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| "Hiei's Promise" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFARG Review Ch 1
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: August 31, 2005 01:14 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your piece to FFARG. You have a good start to your fic here. However, I noticed this chapter was lacking in a few areas. You need to give your chapter more description. What was going through your characters' minds as they reacted to the situation at hand? You mention Hiei not knowing his sister at first but you don't show that he may be confused or wonder where he is. The chapter comes off a bit flat with some holes in the action. This leaves the reader to fill in the holes. A second pair of eyes looking over the chapters before submitting them will be very helpful. Thank you once again for submitting your piece to FFARG.
| Title: Chapter 1 Review-FFRG
Reviewed By: misslady [MediaMiner Member] On: August 29, 2005 23:50 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFRG. This is a good start to the story. Hiei is a bit out of character but it is a believable out of character for what has happened. You might want to fill the few gaps that there are like why Hiei did not recognize Yukina and why he did not sense that she was in danger. But otherwise it is definitely a good start. I look forward to reading more of this story. Please keep up the good work. Misslady
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: August 29, 2005 19:11 CDT
Comment/Review:
This was fairly interesting, you seem to have a good grasp on the story, Hiei still seems a little out of character. I doubt he would ever make an emotional outburst, and is more the type to make a silent promise. You should find a beta, which can be found in the Beta Readers section of the forums. Also there is a major gap you have to fill. The fact that Hiei just vanishes, and finds his sister without knowing who she is. He has the third eye for the purposes of keeping track of his sister, he'd know if she was in danger, or at least who she was. Otherwise it's a good story, and thanks for submitting to FFARG.
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