Title: FFRG (CH1)
Reviewed By: Broken Visage [MediaMiner Member] On: September 23, 2005 19:44 CDT
Comment/Review:
The first immediate mistake I see, however small, is the use of "2000 AD." The proper way to use this is "A.D. 2000." You also have the first sentence in present tense. Change it to past tense. Now, moving through your chapter, I can see that you desperately need a betareader. You have far too many mistakes that you yourself should have caught during a full revision before posting. If you do not do alpha-reading, I suggest you do. At the very least to correct the many spelling errors you have. Next point is the usage of capitalizing every letter in a word. Do not use caps unless it is an acronym. Ever. If you want emphasis, you use italics, and an exclamation point if need be. Caps is annoying and unprofessional. Also, ellipses at the ends of sentences are 4 dots, not 3, you need a period to end that sentence since ellipses are not periods. Also, ellipses are either 3 or 4 dots, never 2. Now, backing away from that portion of writing, I must say you have an interesting idea; it comes off as though it may easily turn cliche, though, so you should be careful where you take this. You seem to make Pandora out to be pure evil, which is basically a no-no as it seems no one can write "evil" well enough for it to not be uninteresting and banal. It leads to flat characters. On the subject of characters, it is hard to tell the current ones apart as they all seem so flat. You need to work on rounding them out early on. Thank you for submitting to the FFRG.
|
