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| "Middle-Aged Magical Girl Mahonna" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFARG review-chapter 2
Reviewed By: Sari-15 [MediaMiner Member] On: November 28, 2005 21:49 CST
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting to FFARG. You have a strong storytelling ability, although I haven't read the previous chapter I didn't have any problems following this one. There were some minor grammar problems I saw though. You ended a lot of your dialogue with periods, instead of commas. It should be (normally) "I can't believe you," she said. Even if you are using ! or ? you finish the sentence with the tag line. "Did you see that?" she screamed as her friend flew past. Notice the lowercase 's' after the questionmark. If there is more dialogue after the tagline THAT can get a period. The plot is interesting, it keeps my attention. It's a great original story you have going here. Keep up the nice work.
| Title: FFRG review
Reviewed By: ElvinYouko [MediaMiner Member] On: October 28, 2005 13:14 CDT
Comment/Review:
You did not specify which chapter you wanted reviewed, but I saw that you have a review for the first chapter, so I\'m reviewing the second. You might want to specify which chapter in furture review requests. Now...Lights!...Camera!... aannd Typing! Very good! Your plot is original and entertaining. The structure is good; every chapter contains a nice mix of action, emotion and thought. I love your portrayal of the children; they\'re people, just very young people. Too many authors try to make their children grown-ups in shorts or childish caricatures. Your writing is also very good. There are two main problems; one is the lack of set speaking styles. For example, \"\'wasn't so hot about the idea\'\" is a teenage phrase; adults, especially ones old enough to have children, simply do not use \"hot\" like that; in fact, practically the only time they use \"hot\" is in referring to temperature. Listening to random 40-yr-olds, in as many settings as is decent, might be a good idea. A related problem is that your language is not always as idiomatic as it should be; again, try to write it like people say it. Editing for brevity would also be better; you have some extra phrases that disrupt the flow a little bit. Overall: Very good fic. Editing for real language and succinctness reccomended. I will be watching.
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Finalfantasy7 [MediaMiner Member] On: October 04, 2005 20:05 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting to FFARG. Since you didn't submit a specific chapter, I'm only reviewing chapter 1. I can only sum your story up to this point in one word, incredible. Your story caught my interest and kept me there through the whole chapter. I must admit I thought Darcy would be the main character, but found it quite amusing when it turned out to be her mother. The scene jumping during the story threw me off alittle, but that's mostly because I have trouble focusing on more then one thing at a time, but it didn't make me like the story any less. Also, your action sequences were quite nicely done and I could imagine exactly what was happening in my mind. As for mistakes, I couldn't find anything incredibly noticeable. A misspelling or two, but otherwise, very nicely written. I hope that you submit the other chapters as well, for I'll be there waiting to review them. Very nice job.
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