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| "The Dragon's Enemy" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: Dark Lord Tokunaga [MediaMiner Member] On: May 27, 2006 07:02 CDT
Comment/Review:
Great new chappy...... Keep it up! Other then minor mistakes I think this fic is an excelent one.... Keep it up!
| Reviewed By: Dark Lord Tokunaga [MediaMiner Member] On: April 28, 2006 21:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
Please update..... even though i'm not an official reviewer, I would still love to see the continuation, because of the characters and orignality.... and yes, i know i use .... a lot....
| Title: FFRG review ch 1
Reviewed By: White_Winged_Atlantian [MediaMiner Member] On: November 11, 2005 02:01 CST
Comment/Review:
In your first sentence dear, you state "Lyn was kicking her legs against a cliff that she was sitting on and humming a song from her past." this seems rather one sided and that you should perhaps change it to "Lyn was kicking her legs against a cliff and humming a song from the past as she *Insert action here*. "it was no clue why he attracted Lyn so much" This sounds awkward and you should probably change it to "There was no doubt as to why Lyn was so attracted to him." Overall you need much more description to fully tell who characters are/where they come from and what's happening, or things seem very rushed. And as to a question, how could one fall in love with another if they don't even know the elements of one's past? Another note. Cat tongues would be painful on your nipples. They aren't nubby for extra pleasure dear. When did it state that Lyn and Cole were married? You need to foreshadow with things that are big. Like pregnancy. As well as when talking about genitals and 'asses' you really ought be a bit more mature when writing about it. "ass" sticks out like an oozing wound in writing. Overall you have good grammar, but you need to work on the way you word things. Keep it up! ~ Sisi
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