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| "Custodian Of Dreams" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG review
Reviewed By: Kellen [MediaMiner Member] On: September 30, 2005 20:31 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting to the FFRG. I really enjoyed reading this piece. There was an atmosphere to it that really drew me in. The only thing I would watch out for is the use of the present tense. It's not bad to use it, but it can be hard to work with. In your case, the present tense works well with the story, but you have a few little hang-ups with it. It seems a little choppy in places, and there are a few minor grammatical errors. You might want to consider using a passive tense in a few sentences. (Ie, the human race had been corrupted instead of hte human race got corrupted. That might make it flow a little better.) All in all, a good story and well worth the time to read. Cheers, Kellen
| Title: FFRG review (chapter 1)
Reviewed By: BakaBokken [MediaMiner Member] On: September 04, 2005 04:19 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFRG. ^^ I really like this so far - your pen name now makes a lot more sense! Hehe. Nice perspective so far - this Custodian of Dreams sounds like a very interesting character! I would be careful with using present tense, though. It makes the beginning of your story sound a teensy bit choppy. I know it's really difficult to describe a character in 1st person and incorporate it into the narrative, but I would look into revising CoD's description as well, as it sounds a tad awkward. Add a little more to your descriptions in general, and I think you have a great start! I really enjoyed reading this chapter so far, and I'm definitely interested in reading more as soon as I have time. ^^ Thanks again for submitting your story to the FFRG!
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