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| "Everybody Wants Her" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: YOU NEED 2 KEEP IT GOING!
Reviewed By: kanti89 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 10, 2006 22:13 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
i think that you should keep this story up!!! dont leave me hanging with what happened to Kyo!!! i love him!!! tell me what happens?!?!?!?!? lol hit us with the next one~
| Title: FFRG Review-Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Sari-15 [MediaMiner Member] On: March 23, 2006 22:52 CST
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting to FFRG. Characterization is something that is very important to fan fiction, since readers expect to read about characters they have already fallen in love with. I don't know how far you have gotten in the series, but you obviously know about some 'spoilers'…I personally love 'girl Akito' and most people that understand her past and her motivation grow to love her as well…so I will leave your 'evil Akito' out of the equation. I will keep things strictly 'anime' in my analysis of characterization. I am a huge fan of Furuba, I both role-play and write fan fiction for the series. You really need to pay closer attention to characterization; Kyou has a real soft spot for Tohru and although he does lose his temper with her in the anime. It is usually for something that he can't control and can't immediately fix for her. He doesn't 'compete' with Yuki for Tohru because to Kyou, Tohru is 'off limits'…VERY off limits. That doesn't stop his feelings or him wanting to help her though. As the series goes on, he mellows out to a point where you almost never see him lose his temper and he stops fighting Yuki. Him kissing Tohru without having a complete nervous breakdown afterwards…isn't very believable to me. He has many internal issues to deal with before he would ever be comfortable doing that. Tohru would never speak ill of anyone; she prides herself on it. She knows what Yuki does with his student council and how hard he does work. Having Yuki go back to Sohma house…wouldn't be something they would do. Haru bargained to get him out of there, after the abuse Akito put him through. Akito WANTS him back there…Yuki would never go on his own free will. Shigure and Hatori wouldn't ever force him. Honorifics-don't use if you aren't going to know who uses what. It doesn't take much research to figure out who calls people by certain honorifics. Shi-chan is NOT a honorific used by anyone in the house. The only ones who use it are Kagura and Momiji, who weren't even in that chapter. Keep them in the characters pov as well (Kyou doesn't call Yuki, Yuki-kun….don't use it his pov and you shouldn't use 'Yuki-kun said' either.) A better example of this…If you are in Hana's POV, you would use 'Arisa said.' If you were in Tohru's POV, you would use 'Uo said'. Only use the honorifics in speech and thought. Sorry if you feel I am being harsh, but I am a huge fan of this series and you do have a lot of potential, I just feel you need a stronger grasp on the characters of the series and their thoughts and motivations. Your writing style is nice and very emotional and expressive. Your chapter was a nice length and it held my interest, I would recommend a beta to catch little errors. I noticed a few words that didn't seem to fit with the context of the sentence. Thank you for submitting and I really do think you have potential. Keep up the nice work.
| Title: LOL
Reviewed By: AznRockerBabi [MediaMiner Member] On: January 13, 2006 22:53 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 3 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA UO and hana are soo cruel to Akito AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WEEEIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDdd LUV IT
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