Title: FFRG Review - Chapter 1
Reviewed By: hostilecrayon [MediaMiner Member] On: September 30, 2005 19:56 CDT
Comment/Review:
The first thing that stood out for me was the fact that you told me Zell was having a flashback instead of showing me. Show, don't tell is a very important part of writing. You could have put the flashback in italics or said something along the lines of the past events coming back to him. Also, some sort of explaination as to what happened between Squall and Rinoa would be nice. Squall obviously had feelings for her in the game, so it is only natural that some sort of explaination is in order. Another thing to work on would be descriptions of feelings. It seems a little random that both Zell and Squall have a fasination with this new character, both kissing her, and at the same time, loving each other. The attraction, and the reasons for them, should be explained in more detail, and detail should be added in general to the story as a whole. Things are a little jerky, jumping from one thing to the next without leaving time for the reader to wrap their head around the scene. Read it out loud and you'll see what I mean. Try to make it flow evenly from one thing to the next. The idea has merit, but you should clean it up some by working on the things I mentioned above. Thank you for submitting to FFRG.
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