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| "My Happy Ending" Reviews/Comments [ 58 ] | | Pages (4): [ 1 2 3 4 › » ] | Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 15, 2008 10:59 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 1 of 10
Comment/Review:
Shiv also betraying Francis-and could you make Francis seem any more stupid. I imagine Francis isn't going to notice the finger shaped bruises, the red ass, the marks on Richie's body that he didn't put there, the stretched out ass dripping, the funny walking. Richie and Ivan's games are going to cost Francis his life. Because Francis is too stupid and lets Ebon use his house as a gang hang out. Richie can't work with Static because he had too much fun fuckin' Ebon-what happens if Static gets hurt or dies because Richie didn't have his back because of it? The werewolf migh smell Ebon on Richie and kill him instead of Ebon. There is so much going wrong. So much more that can go wrong. And the only innocent person-Francis is probably going to suffer the most. Ebon's living like a regular human in an apartment-the gang shouldn't need the werewolf to track him down-that's ridiculous. And Static making excuses to gang members for perceived poor performance is also ridiculous. This is the chapter where I now choose to skip to the end. Don't feel like reading about any more depressing stuff and people betraying one of the only good persons in the story.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 15, 2008 10:11 CDT
Comment/Review:
Richie was stupid if he didn't see Ebon was going to take/rape him. It was obvious from the moment he walked into the bedroom what his intent was. And he is so fucking evil. To do what he did to Francis_but the link doesn't work for Francis so he'll never know what shit his 'brother' Ebon does to his husband. Are you ever going to explain how Ebon always knows and Francis never knows? I honestly don't feel sorry for Richie. He deserves it. You made him into the type of character that deserves it. Richie works out. He knows martial arts. He beats on bad guys several times a week. You aren't going to have him beat the shit out of Ebon. If he doesn't stop Ebon or start crying rape and getting the neighbors-then this thing with Ebon and him will never end. And Richie will allow Ebon to continue hurting Francis-making Francis feel like he was the stupid one who made the mistake with the paint. Making Francis beg him to go to Richie instead of calling. And now his Richie is either going to get raped or enjoy getting fucked by Ebon.Either way the only person truly getting hurt who doesn't deserve it is Francis. The kinder and more open you make him the darker and more manipulating and evil you make Richie and Ebon. Where's the fucking werewolf when you need it to eat an evil nigger? As good as your writing is_I don't think I can take too much more of this darkness, of people using and hurting other people in such horrific ways. It makes me physically ill and depressed. Do you have any light hearted stories you can recommend? "Drama, Romance, Hentai" are the describers you use for this story. You need to include Angst, Darkness (possibly sexual abuse), Not A Happy Fic.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 15, 2008 08:33 CDT
Comment/Review:
You do realize your 'Richie' character is fucked up. Some kind of psychotic/sexual/napoleon etc. disorder. I was shocked to read him telling Joe that he was staying with his husband but if he wanted Joe for a night Joe wouldn't turn him down. Then he gave Shiv all those hickies and Francis didn't get angry or jealous; regardless the reason why. Then when he's with Francis's sister and father he acts like a saint. Let's the father call him a woman and doesn't react at all-when all other times anybody alluded to him being any kind of feminine/girly/woman/wife-he fucking blows a gasket.And offering to pay for the sisters abortion and birth control after she said how much she hated him and hoped they both died of aids. I just don't understand what is going on anymore. The fact that he thinks he came out on top by giving Ebon a blow job-cheating on his husband. When he knew he had other ways to get at him. He could've told Francis about Ivan sexually assaulting and threatening him and he would never have had to have that piece of shit in his life again. And I thought Francis wasn't going to have those guys over all the time. Wasn't that one of his 'turning a new leaf'? But they're still there all the time and they walk in like they live there and they kind of do live there_Ivan's always sleeping there. Richie is supposed to be a 24 year old, genius, super hero and you have him whoring and lying and manipulating_what's the message? What's the reader supposed to gleam from this? Is he crazy? Is he mental? Because he isn't just a regular person with flaws and weaknesses like the rest of us-he's way past that into mental disorder area. Will it be explained in following chapters? I hope you're not writing from experience when you come up with these demented/fucked up, crazy, psychotic personalities. I'd hate to think you had to deal with people like these.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 15, 2008 07:18 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 1 of 10
Comment/Review:
( Ivan had to struggle fiercely with replacing all his feelings with those of indifference.) Ivan always feels when Francis gets off and is angry; but Francis only felt Ivan's anger and not the fact that his husband was sucking Ivan's cock and Ivan was in heaven with it all. Bullshit. This had better have been some screwed up dream sequence of Ivan's. For Richie to betray Francis's true love and good intentions on reconciliation is DISGUSTING.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 15, 2008 04:31 CDT
Rating(s):Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
(Ivan hit the counter in frustration. 'Eavesdropping' on the conversation that had taken place miles away,) Okay about the above: Ivan is sick in the head. Like he's got some ownership over Francis. How can Francis not recognize the menace that Ivan means he and Richie. Ivan listened to Francis explain how much he loved Richie, how he recognized how he'd done Richie wrong and wanted to make it right; how he was only truly happy with Richie. So he knows that Richie makes Francis happy; yet Ivan still wants to keep that from his supposed friend. Also about the house being bugged. As Gear, Richie should be sweeping his house for listening devices and bugs. He can't take the chance of his secret identity getting out. Even though you've been writing his civilian identity as young and stupid_as Gear he's 24 years old and a genius-he would think of things like that. So you've given Richie and Francis a chance to start again with a clean slate-like it was in the beginning, when they fell in love_ so I know that you're going to ruin it, cause them pain and grief-because that's all you've seemed to enjoy doing to them so far. It sure would be nice to read about them being loving and in love. Francis is on parole yet he constantly has gang members over his house. That's a violation of parole. I'm not just talking about the ones that drove up looking for Ivan and help. When Ivan and Francis were having lunch, Francis even mentioned that the 'playas' gang members only came over because of Ivan-when Ivan mentioned that he should start screening his guests. In reality_If he got rid of Ivan-all the trouble that comes with him would stay away. It's still pissing me off that you continue to have Ivan sense/feel Francis and Francis doesn't sense/feel how Ivan is screwing with him and screwing with Richie and screwing his life up. Actually with them starting over; it would be the perfect time for Richie to tell Francis what Ivan did to him in the bathroom-it's not any worse than the sleeping around confessions; and it would benefit Richie and their relationship in the long run. The caller to Rudy was probably Ivan. Going to set him up to kill him before he gets killed. I hope Rudy brings Danny the werewolf and it eats Ivan. Please stop writing about all the forbidden excitement-that just freaks me out. Well, the story is already finished so I know you won't; but I'm trying to write reviews like the story isn't over-I haven't even peaked at the last chapter-I don't want to ruin the excitement. The story continues to be well written. This chapter was particularly exciting. Filled with all kinds of emotion, intrigue, betrayal, chance of redemption, hints at unknown stuff to come and cliff hanger. I know I say lots of what I don't and do like about what the characters are doing or how they're acting_but that has nothing to do with how well I believe you've written this story.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 15, 2008 02:51 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Wow_what you wrote for Francis's inner dialog was fantastic. I didn't think he would be that honest with himself. If only Richie were now. I can't believe that instead of getting his revenge on Ivan by digging up proof (which he so could with his genius), he's fucking some guy. And he's thinking how wonderful it is to be truly appreciated--he's just being truly fucked, appreciated only for his mangina. He's 24 and you have him written like a 14 year old. He could have beaten Ivan off. He could have bloodied his nose in the bathroom, screamed out for Francis and have proof for Francis. But you continue to write him weak and retarded which goes against his traits as Gear. Ivan needs to be punished severely and taken out of the picture if Richie and Francis are going to be a couple. Ivan needs to be written out of the picture if Francis ever hopes to be his own man. Ivan is just to controlling and manipulating and Francis can't see it and according to you can't feel it through his link with Ivan either-even though Ivan can. Again, Kudo's with the Francis dialog this chapter--the best writing so far.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 15, 2008 01:52 CDT
Comment/Review:
Boy, you just keep on upping the 'disturbing' factor. Richie actually grabbed Ivan's cock just to one up him. How fucked up are you going to make him? Richie was convinced that if he could get Francis alone, without his friends-he could talk to him-they would talk. Instead of taking the 1st chance to see Francis alone, he grabs Ivan's cock. And that evening in bed_all the time in the world to talk and all alone and he doesn't. Part of the problem is all the people over their house all the time. It's just like another lair for the gang that used to be a gang as bang babies. Those 'friends' are always coming between them or they both have to act differently or prove something whle in front of them.Francis tells Richie that he loves him while they were in bed and Richie still had to smart mouth instead of taking it for what it was or to start a serious conversation. Between this story and 'Banditos', it makes the reader think that you don't really like Richie all that much. You write him as crazed, helpless, immature, stubborn, stupid, etc... What chapter is Richie going to let the werewolf fuck him? You keep on coming up with more and more ridiculous situations and happenings--I'm certain that I'll be reading it soon. Something else I don't get. You've mentioned a few times how Ivan feels Francis's thoughts and emotions through their link_ but you never mention it the other way around. Because after this went on: (Richie found what he was looking for, tugging lightly before Ivan jerked out of his hold with a garbled exclamation. Ignoring the threat of being bodily harmed, Richie snickered as he calmly headed toward the garage. Intensely steamed that Richie had gone to such lengths, the red that coated Ivan's vision didn't subside until the garage door slammed shut. A strong growl escaped his lips, his teeth gritting fiercely as his fingers curled into tight fists. He then straightened his pants, muttering sharply as he struggled to regain his sense of calm.) Francis didn't feel any of these thoughts or emotions when they were so strong. According to what you write about Ivan always picking up Francis's thoughts and emotions, he should.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 15, 2008 00:39 CDT
Comment/Review:
So ashamed of his own behavior he left the kid dead and pretended he didn't know anything. That's the measure of a man. That's the real Richie of your story. Richie was the one who wanted to flirt with this guy, richie was the one who maneuvered the guy into the shadows besides the gas station_if Richie hadn't done that, the guy wouldn't have been killed. It's actually Richie's fault that young 17 year old kid was eviscerated by the werewolf.All so he could feel desired, excited, and get fingered; all under the pretense of trying to gleam some information.He didn't need to drag the kid into the alley to ask questions_Richie knew he wanted to play his games. He felt dirty and violated by the werewolf; while 10 minutes before he was enjoying being finger fucked by someone he hardly knew_against the wall of a gas station. And he blames Francis again for his own inability to approach him. Granted, Francis sees other chicks (you haven't made it clear or not whether he sleeps with them or not); but Richie doesn't know for sure. With all the gadetry and information he was gleaming when they first hunted the werewolf; you would think he'd use that intelligence to track and find out what his husband does. And the gas station has to have cameras; if not outside on the inside; and he did go inside-he can still be linked to the crime scene.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2008 23:27 CDT
Comment/Review:
Liked most of the Static/Gear part of this chapter. Thought the bantering was good. Thought the gadgetry and how it worked--you did that really cool. Parts I didn't quite get: Richie has been talking about not wanting to be with Francis and he's shopping and buying things for the house while crime fighting.Disregarding Francis's worries about spending too much money and not saving (I bet Francis wants to be able to buy them a house or something. Something really sweet and nice and Richie's spending money out of spite-like a child). Static not using his electric bolts against the monster-just sheilding. He had plenty of chances to zap the monster and didn't. Also they let their guard down too much around the werewolf bang baby. They talked personal, identifiable information that he could hear. They let the werewolf bang baby scent them; so now he'll be able to hunt them down or recognize them if he bumps into them in street clothes/civilian idenity. Richie lets a guy flirt with him and flirts back in front of the whole party_how stupid is that. It's about time Francis caught him playing games with another guy. But even when he got caught and they were arguing Richie still didn't try telling him the truth to calm him down. Saying nothing happened-when obviously something did-just enraged Francis more. Again, isn't Richie supposed to be a genius. He deserved to be humiliated in front of all the guests_maybe he'll realize what he's doing is not a game.Does he not realize how Francis would feel_all his friends seeing Richie disrespect their marriage/fidelity-how hurt/humiliated Francis would be by that. Better to get shaken by Francis than to get raped by someone he teases. Francis's friends lied about/for Richie. I'm assuming it was to calm Francis-because Richie was not turning this guy down right away and forcibly enough-he was playing his games. He can't possibly love Francis like he says. If he did-he would have talked to him way before this happened and he wouldn't be playing his stupid games_knowing how Francis is possessive and easy to anger. I kind of can't believe his friends didn't rat Richie out earlier. But that's more like gossiping than a review. This chapter was exciting, funny, well written, etc...
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2008 21:43 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 6 of 10
Comment/Review:
In this AU there should be no Static and Gear. Gear is supposed to be a heroic figure. Selfless and putting the needs and safety of others over his own_and hero business is 24/7. To see this 'Richie/Gear' being slutty and knowing he's being slutty and enjoying being slutty is disturbing_If he wasn't supposed to be a 'genius' and 'Gear'; it wouldn't be bothering me. So no matter how much I like the Gear/Richie character_I really hate him in this story so far. He knows responsibility and he knows the promise he made_super heroes make promises and keep them. He says he was too young to get married and blames Francis for not stopping him? He's old enough to risk his life everyday as Gear but not old enough to own up to his decisions as husband. You probably made the character this way to get reactions from people_so it worked. P.S. flirting with a 17 year old hip hoppy with gold teeth-that's just fucked up_ And his intelligence should have him speak to Francis about what he's feeling. How can he not know that doing what he's doing is going to result in/can only result in, horrible consequences_because you made him also be Gear-he's a genius and he can calculate in his mind, like a computer, such things. If his only experience in life had been that of a regular teenager growing up with gangs and overactive hormones it would be almost expected of him_but he's so much more than that; and that should make a differnce in his actions_but in this story-it doesn't. I don't know if that makes sense or not.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2008 20:20 CDT
Rating(s):Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Comment/Review:
They all came running because they heard the gun shot. Did no one realize that Richie was being beaten and that Richie was the one being shot at? He was the only one there, other than the abusive boyfriend. I hope this display of what Francis can do to someone keeps Richie from his 'can't help himself' from seeking attention from other men. Francis tells Richie not to stay with him if he becomes like the abusive boyfriend...did Francis just not dry fuck Richie with aggression and force-without preparation-and not letting/offering to help Richie climax--is that not abuse to you, Francis or Richie? Is this the point you're trying to make? That this might be Richie's future with all his 'playing mind games' with other men. You related so much, but you neglected points as well. If I want to find out--I guess I'll have to continue reading.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2008 19:01 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Comment/Review:
("He was here, earlier." She pulled her face from him, wiping savagely at her eyes, wincing with the pain. "He left when he heard you guys were coming over.") ("I wish you would have called us sooner," Francis murmured) Okay, she had to go to the hospital after a severe beating by her boyfriend that caused her to miscarriage. The hospital would have called the police, regardless of the woman's wishes otherwise. Yet this man still comes to her house and she lets him in. Francis says he wishes she had called him earlier. When she spoke to Richie on the phone, she said that she'd been trying to reach him for days and he hasn't been answering his phone. And if it was his friend Therese, she probably would have had his home phone #; or any of their mututal friends could have contacted him (Shiv, the guy you write that knows everything that's goin' on with his connections and his gossip, is just one). So either the girl that called wasn't Theresa and Francis is lying or there's something wrong plotwise. I guess I'll have to read on to see which it is. Richie mentioned that Francis should have his bitches call him on his cell, not his home phone. Again_a super genius could get all of Francis's phone records and find out what 'bitches' have been calling him. It's like your purposely not including some of the logic that should be in this story just to amp the psychological and drama and fucked up people part of the story. But when that logic part of the story is so obviously missing it makes the reader (me, anyways) frustrated. Even though I'm entertained by the story; I can't quite enjoy the story as much as I had wanted/hoped to_because of those omissions. Well, anyway_Thanks for continuing to share your talent and stories with us.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2008 18:20 CDT
Comment/Review:
My last review I wrote this: "And what's with Richie talking down about Francis to Richie-" The last word/name should be Ebon, not Richie-sorry.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2008 18:16 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Comment/Review:
Richie is supposed to be a good guy, ,super hero_you have him seducin' and actin' all slutty and getting off on it. He's supposed to be a genius--how smart will he look when he's beaten and raped for his behavior. You write 'fucked' up psychological people. He's got a secret identity to protect (and by not protecting it, he's also risking Virgil)-yet he leaves his house unlocked and has no security/surveillance hidden or seen.People just come in and out of his house without their knowlege--some of this just doesn't make sense. He gets caught coming in from being Gear by Ebon. Francis says he needs the cheatin' on the side because things between he and Richie aren't like they were_well hell, why don't they just talk to each other? Richie had said the same thing to virgil. Yet he still claims to be faithful only to Francis_but he flirts/plays games like a whore. Obviously in this AU, Richie Foley is not a genius. You wrote that they both make 'good' money at their jobs, yet you had them fighting over money as trivial as $20. Ivan caught some punk checking out Richie but didn't warn Francis-what's with that? They're supposed to be best buds, 'linked', etc... And what's with Richie talking down about Francis to Richie-saying they aren't individuals or something like that---but he's married to the man for 5 years and claims to love him. Lots of irritatin' stuff.
| Reviewed By: ANGELBOY613 [MediaMiner Member] On: July 14, 2008 17:16 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
I don't know why my review was cut off. I pulled that piece out of the story to comment on it_and the rest of the story; and to tell you how much I enjoyed 'Banditos'; but none of that got displayed after I hit 'submit'. Well there were lots of nice words that I can't retype now.
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