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| "Younger Brother, Older Brother" Reviews/Comments [ 6 ] | Title: FFRG Review Chapter 2
Reviewed By: LadyLark [MediaMiner Member] On: May 21, 2006 13:42 CDT
Comment/Review:
Overall I feel that this is a good story. I like your characterizations and I could taste Itachi's embarrassment & frustration at Sasuke's questions. You do need to watch the commas around names. The biggest thing I think you need to be aware of is the speech tag. You use them a lot. Sometimes more than is necessary especially in a scene between two people. You should be able to tell feelings with the dialogue and description alone. You don't necessarily need "he sighed" or "Itachi's younger brother asked" since it is implied. I did see that toward the end you started leaving them off, and it did add to the pace of the story. This chapter is a good little vignette/slice of life and I really look forward to seeing more from you. Thank you for submitting to FFRG.
| Title: FFRG Review, chapter 2
Reviewed By: NekoKamiFL [MediaMiner Member] On: February 23, 2006 14:47 CST
Comment/Review:
I must say, this did amuse me a bit. Very clever. ~_^ I noticed few grammatical mistakes, but they were consistent. For example, when Sasuke is talking to his mother and his brother, "Hey Mom..." and "Hey Big brother..." There should be commas between 'hey' and the names. And there was one time towards the end when it was a little unclear who was speaking. "'No! I will not tell you as I have no experience in that subject!' Shisui burst out in loud laughter." I believe in this sentence it's Itachi who is talking, but it would be more obvious if you put the part about Shisui laughing before he speaks his next line. Other than that, there were no problems that I could see. No spelling errors, and the words flowed smoothly enough. This was cute, and I enjoyed it. Thanks for submitting this to the FFRG!
| Title: FFRG Chapter 1 Review
Reviewed By: hostilecrayon [MediaMiner Member] On: December 31, 2005 19:09 CST
Comment/Review:
This is very cute. Your use of Japanese was correct, though perhaps when writing something in English, you should try to stay away from Japanese, the the reviewer before me didn't know their meanings, and I'm sure others also won't understand them. I only know them because I'm taking Japanese. There isn't a lot of detail in this. I think if you added to the scenes, it would be a little clearer. The diologue is fantastic though. The formatting really gave me trouble. As a general rule, when posting stories on the web, you should double space after each paragraph. Right now it looks like a giant block of text and is not only distracting, but a lot of readers, myself included, will just skip the story rather than be frustrated trying to read it. There are a few spelling errors, but nothing too glaring. I love your character portrayals. Little Sasuke was absolutely adorable and mischevious, just like I would imagine him to be. Thank you for dubmitting to FFRG. I look forward to future submissions.
| Title: FFRG
Reviewed By: Bliksem [MediaMiner Member] On: December 26, 2005 12:49 CST
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your story to the FFRG. This dialogue one-shot focuses heavily on Japanese terminology, so I won't comment on their usage because, quite frankly, I don't know what the majority of the words mean. Because it's a dialogue-focused one-shot, there isn't a need for too much detail, but it could do with a little more just so that the readers can get a better image in their heads. There are portions of the story which require a negative, but that negative is missing. The events are hard to detect, even with proof-reading. Also, try to put more of the story into the active tense instead of passive (was, is, et cetera). The dialogue is very solid, though. There are a few misspellings here and there, but they were probably overlooked in proof-reading. All-in-all, it's a very good read, and kind of cute, too.
| Title: hahaha
Reviewed By: qt_angel [MediaMiner Member] On: December 26, 2005 03:22 CST
Comment/Review:
your fic is so *laughs* good *laughs* and funny!!! please write more in this fic... if you haven't finished it yet *laugs*... so good!!! XD
| Title: lol
Reviewed By: kpkchq [MediaMiner Member] On: November 05, 2005 17:00 CST
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
ahahahaha that was funny as *cries with delight* lmAo keep up the gw
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