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| "Songhai Diaries" Reviews/Comments [ 4 ] | Title: FFARG Review (Chapter 3)
Reviewed By: Yuugi-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: August 13, 2006 17:45 CDT
Comment/Review:
While you do have something going on here, this story needs much work. First off, your sentences are very choppy and have a very elementary feel to them. As such, they come off as feeling underdeveloped and and just slapped onto the document without any prior thought. The second thing I wanted to point out is that you have a number of typos and some vocabulary usage is either unneeded or incorrect. For example, "undulated" is not a way of walking or moving from one place to another, it actually means either vibrating or shaking, or bobbing up and down like a boat on the water. Thus, using it in the context you used to describe Wormmon's movement makes little to no sense. The last thing that I want to mention is that this chapter lacked description. I had an extremely hard time keeping up and had to go back and read many things over. The most noticable thing you need to work on is your scene transitions. When switching point of views, your end sentence just kind of stopped abruptly, leaving me more confused than before. Before submitting your stories, I suggest a thorough self-revision and a once-over by a beta-reader, which you can find in the beta-reader list in the beta-reader part of the forum. Thank you for submitting your work to the FFARG, and I hope you continue to do so.
| Title: FFRG Review Ch 3
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: June 30, 2006 00:55 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your fic to FFRG. You have a good concept going on here with your telling of yet another group of Digimon and their partners. However, I found this chapter lacked focus. There seemed to be too many changes in points of view that it felt as though you were jumping around from one random scene to the next. The beginning of your fic could use more emotion and description to it to pull the reader into the chapter. It also needs an overall plot to the chapter so it doesn't feel as though you have several stories thrown together with a bit of a scene with everyone together near the end. While you do have a good grasp of basic grammar your writing lacks focus and emotion to keep the reader's interests. My suggestion would be to get someone to look over your work before you put it up on the net to help you see where you can improve it. Keep writing, keep improving, and thank you once again for submitting to FFRG.
| Title: FFARG: Review of Chapter 2
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: December 28, 2005 19:43 CST
Comment/Review:
"How the devil went down for diner" wouldn't hurt from a little polishing up--most prominently within the chapter's title! "Diner" should be spelled as "dinner". There were various spelling errors and missing punctuation marks within chapter two that can easily be fixed by the re-reading (and I'm terribly sorry if I sound lecture-y here, but you *should* be re-re-re-reading your work, even if you have an editor so that small mistakes like that don't get to the online copy). Also, I think chapter two was a little unfocused, as if it didn't really have a point or a message. It didn't really seem to move the plot along at all, and to me some of the silly moments, which were probably intended for humor, fell a little flat. Something I enjoyed about chapter two, however, was the good vocabulary. Thank you for submitting to FFARG and enjoy your holiday! -- Dee
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: December 10, 2005 16:17 CST
Comment/Review:
Alright... This was good, you had some well developed characters there. However, the theif is definatly uner developed, as well there seems no real plot to follow as of yet. These are both things that need to happen in the first chapter. You seem to have a couple typos lying around as well that you might want to clean up. Good job and keep submitting to FFARG.
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