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| "Just A Game" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: forechunkukee [MediaMiner Member] On: December 22, 2005 00:14 CST
Comment/Review:
Wow...pretty crazy concept for a story. Even crazier is that it is dont rather well. You have a strong grasp on general spelling and grammar and have your own style. However, that doesn't mean it was perfect. There were several little misshaps that I caught, but overall, it was very nice. I think you're weakest point in writing would be your dialogue. Make no mistake, it is solid, but while it is there and done well, it could be fleshed out a little more in my opinion. It seemed only the tiniest bit flat in emoption, but judging from the first two chatpers, you won't have that problem at all soon! Keep it up, it'll be interesting to see the next few chapters!
| Title: FFRG Reveiw Ch. 1
Reviewed By: Sueric [MediaMiner Member] On: December 07, 2005 05:55 CST
Comment/Review:
Thanks for submitting to FFRG. I wanted to say that, outside of a few grammatical things (misplaced commas or possessive nouns in need of an apostrophe) that, for the most part, your story looks good in that area. There were a few things that I wanted to touch upon, however, that could help your story overall. Firstly, the game itself was rather difficult to understand. There were a number of times that I didn't really understand what was going on because nothing was really explained in that area, such as the 'Pay or Work' option. The second thing hinged from this. While you seem to have a good grasp of actual speech, it would really benefit you to work on description. The overall feel of the first chapter is very, very rushed because you tend to 'tell' the reader what is going on instead of 'showing' it. The turns would have a greater impact if you took the time to describe what's going on instead just saying, for example, "Three minuets counted down as all five fanned and fed him." Taking a bit of time to give more life to this sentence by describing what happens during those three minutes would help to flesh out your story. Another thing to think about is that, while you can and should stretch your imagination, the truest test for any writer of fanfiction is to keep characters IN character. I think your strongest point is your dialogue. It works well within the confines of your writing. With a bit of perseverance, I believe your skills will continue to improve!
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