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| "Tell" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: You Have Been Reviewed
Reviewed By: You Have Been Reviewed [MediaMiner Member] On: June 20, 2006 20:36 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
I have to admit that after reading the previous two stories I reviewed for Isabel Night, I was fully expecting that the characterizations for the main players were going to include very sophisticated speech and an archaic flow of dialog; this is perfectly acceptable for characters who are hundreds of years old, as one's patterns of speech and language useage are developed over an entire lifetime. However, upon wading through the first paragraph of this story - and it truly was a struggle - I've realized that this author has started to become overtaken by one of the most feared creatures of literature: purple prose (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Purple_prose). This is a habit that truly does need to be nipped in the bud - if it's not caught early, it's too easy to continue doing it for an entire writing career. Purple prose not only makes it hard for the average reader to read through a story, it also causes the words to lose their effectiveness. "Black" is much more effective than "midnight-colored". Wood that is "black-colored" is usually just "black". If the purple prose stems from a fear of being repetitive, then it's time to look at the construction of the paragraph entirely; is it necessary to detail every aspect of the room, or is it fine to say that it was decorated simply in black and white to match the rice paper walls and spartan living style? A second problem I noticed right away is becoming common in anime and manga fan fiction, and I'm not sure why. Japanese words in this story are italicized for no apparent reason. Japanese words are words just like any other, and for things like kimonos and tatami mats, they are no more special than jeans and throw rugs - so why bother italicizing them? It's a distraction in the story that's not necessary and draws attention to the author (and their level of writing ability) rather than to the story itself. It's also important to separate which of these words are proper nouns and which are not. 'Edo' is a proper noun - it's the old name for Tokyo. 'Period' is not a proper noun - it's a reference to a time. It's important as a writer to double-check your references; if you're not sure whether a Japanese word should be capitalized or not, look it up to see if it's a noun or a proper noun. When a writer falls into these traps, it's easy to fall into the traps that follow. Cale is referred to as some variant of 'Winter Warrior' or 'winter's commander' nine times over the course of this one-shot. Most readers figured out that he was associated with winter the first time. It is perfectly fine to refer to him simply as "Cale" when the reference is necessary. "He" and "the warrior" are also perfectly fine. The same holds true with Anubis being referred to as some variant of 'red-haired youth'. Overly showy descriptions get particularly cumbersome when they're also repetitive. The grammar problems in this story were more apparent than in the last two stories. In addition to the comma faults created by using too many commas in a sentence, there were instances of comma faults in other areas. "Neither!" Cale snarled, "He was kidnapped and brainwashed by those five insects! It is my duty to bring this specific target back to our side!" When dialog is broken like this, it is important to determine whether or not there are two or more sentences involved in the dialog. In this case, there are - therefore, the first sentence needs a period at the end. "Neither!" Cale snarled. "He was kidnapped and brainwashed by those five insects! It is my duty to bring this specific target back to our side!" This review exceeds 4000 characters. The complete review can be found at: http://uvebeenreviewed.livejournal.com/4840.html
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Pahhur [MediaMiner Member] On: December 10, 2005 15:42 CST
Comment/Review:
Ah the memories... I remember this show from a good few years back. Fun show, got pissed when they cut it off the the air the day that they were going to show the last episode. Ah well. Since it's been so long, I don't really recall the characters to well, so I can't say anything on OOC, however I did notice something odd in your writing. Every now and then you had a tendicy to "skip" a word. I would look at a sentance and I could tell there was a connecting word missing. Though this was few and far between, it might do well to have this looked at. Otherwise you have some very nice description, and an okay plot base. Good work and keep submitting to FFARG.
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