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| "Tokyo Lights" Reviews/Comments [ 15 ] | Reviewed By: RavenShaoran On: February 15, 2006 02:12 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
If you don't continue the story I swear I'll hurt you! I love it! Great Job!
| Reviewed By: Dendow On: January 22, 2006 21:06 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I think this last chapter has proven the old saying, nce a cheater, always a cheater. Duo's true character is showing, and if Heero had any sense, he'd leave. Maybe I'm wrong, but you don't go on vacation with someone and screw someone else. It's a serious character flaw, not just a case of jealousy, in my opinion. It's getting harder and harder to like the Duo you've created.
| Reviewed By: Nita-sama [MediaMiner Member] On: January 17, 2006 11:32 CST
Comment/Review:
HI, i'm still out here reading your fic just so you know. i think i forgot to review for the new chaps. anywho, I LOVE IT!!! keep going!! *gives you a cookie*
| Reviewed By: danse [MediaMiner Member] On: January 06, 2006 01:02 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Those numbers are for this chapter, because I can't view this one as being related to the others very much. The parts where you pursue the present storyline are still strongly characterized and well-written. The other parts in this chapter though, where you stray into the past (I think?) or go off on a tangent like in 'Cellar Door' (Donnie Darko reference caught and hopefully intentional ;) ), really drag it down from the heights the rest of it is reaching. I'm not saying leave out these parts, because it's your story, but as a reader you've totally lost me with something that irrelevant. You can make it relevant by adding a sentence or two at the beginning/end/whatever that ties it into the rest of the story somehow. It felt like a dream sequence; maybe making it into one would help. Also, the Relena reference in the Subconscious drabble confused me. Is that a past-tense one or is Heero really still leading Relena on? I thought he and Duo were a monogamous couple now. More timeline-placing somewhere in the drabbles would really help tie this piece together into something worth any reader's time. Experiment or no, if you're going to publish it, you want it to be a cohesive story, or warn people before they read it so that they don't waste their time on something they won't like. That said, I'm going to keep following this story, because I like the promise it offers. Keep up the effort. If you want to reply to this review, please feel free to email me. :)
| Reviewed By: Codan On: December 22, 2005 14:18 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This story is so...odd but its well written, clever and so in character. It's strange and almost like I'm reading a film because I can see everything you put so clearly in my head.
| Reviewed By: Version2 [MediaMiner Member] On: December 15, 2005 11:52 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is REALLY funny. It's such an original idea. The entire out and in thing... Its so... REAL. Most stories are fake, you know? It's either the dialogue that's horrible or the plot. But this is good. That you keep the characters IC even though it's AU is good too.
| Reviewed By: Isha Maxwell [MediaMiner Member] On: December 14, 2005 00:57 CST
Comment/Review:
alright so I didn't do the rating thing because I don't like it but I do have stuff to give you. I like the way you write, it's very pure and natural. The dialouge is good, the pace and word choice makes it very believeable. I was very impressedwith your knowledge of the Japanese-American accent and how you didn't write the accent but did let us know it was there (which is something you're supposed to do I read in a publish-it-yourself book). Funny enough I actually like how the story bounces around between real time and the past to explain the story. I think that covers it all. Oh! and, so you don't feel cheated, Good job! Keep writing. I can't wait for the next update!
| Reviewed By: Nita-sama [MediaMiner Member] On: December 11, 2005 17:03 CST
Comment/Review:
i like this even if your first summary threw me. it was a good way to get reviewers though (in my opinion anyways--GENIUS!!)i like this alot. duo and heero seem so realistic. keep up the good work. i'll be keeping an eye on this.
| Reviewed By: hostilecrayon [MediaMiner Member] On: December 10, 2005 20:13 CST
Comment/Review:
One thing I can definately say about this piece is that it's freaking hilarious. This piece isn't so much choppy or confusing as it is disorienting. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you have to be careful, otherwise it won't come out right. I am intrigued by the idea, though. Your caracterizations are interesting, and if you do Japanese culture well enough, you could always enter the Maximum Challenge Fanfiction contest with this. They have a Japanese culture section this year. Good work, I look forward to more.
| Reviewed By: danse [MediaMiner Member] On: December 10, 2005 16:32 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
I'm really enjoying this so far. I like the Pulp Fiction-esque buildup of past and present (and the titles, heh) into the story; it's engaging. I like the characters, too. They're more realistic than people tend to portray them. Seem to be IC, too. Good job, I look forward to seeing more. :D
| Reviewed By: lo On: December 04, 2005 21:24 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Nice job. at first, I could not quite follow when you went to flashback mode, but it was good.
| Reviewed By: Jb On: December 03, 2005 21:36 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
I'll have to reserve judgement on this until I've gotten a few more chapters read after you post them. The story is very choppy (assuming there is ultimately a story here), flashing back and forth in a timeline that I've yet to figure out (the airport scene takes place after the hotel scene I'm guessing, though the hotel scene is appearing in the chapter after the airport scene). It might help to label the appropriate sections as flashback if that's what they truly are. It appears this story is being told in snippets - snapshots like pictures that will eventually (hopefully) tell the whole story. But for now, it's just confusing, especially when the snippets change point of view (Duo's first person POV in one snippet, third person POV in another). Each snippet is well written and keeps me reading, but as a whole I'm not yet sure how to feel about the story. So, I'll keep looking for the updates and see if the future chapters, combined with what's already posted, will clear the fog.
| Reviewed By: anister. On: December 02, 2005 20:58 CST
Comment/Review:
Pretty good. I like Duo's tone.
| Reviewed By: Cantacoon On: November 24, 2005 12:07 CST
Comment/Review:
Yah it's a bit choppy like you said. I still like it though.
| Reviewed By: Bend and Snap On: November 24, 2005 01:35 CST
Comment/Review:
Excellent. I was in the mood for a good Heero/Duo story. Thanks, and get back to typing!
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