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| "God's Will" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: MomsDarkSecret [MediaMiner Member] On: January 24, 2006 21:29 CST
Comment/Review:
I've seen this style of writing before, where there is a lot of "flowery" descriptive prose. I read the previous review and I agree that you might be using too many different ways to describe the same thing. Sapphire, sky-blue and crystal are not the same color, so using them all to describe the same person's eyes sounds funny. It might work better if these descriptions were farther apart in the text and perhaps used when describing vastly different emotional states. The story itself starts at an interesting emotional place. Personally, I never see Heero as unsure of himself, but I know a lot of other people portray him as lost after the war ends. On the purely technical side of writing: If you have a good friend who can proof read your stories for you, I highly recommend it. My daughter proof reads all my stuff and it helps a lot. I also bounce plot ideas off of her when I get stuck. I also tend to re-read all my chapters before I post them, usually multiple times and at different times of day, because sometimes I'll write things at night that sound brilliant and then I read it the next morning and say "what was I thinking?" So where is this review? I think I've wandered afield. I like the introduction to your story and the early threads of the plot, but I will confess that some of the prose made me laugh and I know that was not your intention. But that's where the proof reading from a good friend comes in. Please continue with this story and don't be afraid to redo and repost a chapter if you feel like it. My story that you reviewed is a complete rewrite.
| Reviewed By: davross On: January 19, 2006 18:44 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 6 of 10
Comment/Review:
I know you said you were doing a descriptive piece, but often a little is much more effective than a lot. This is really an idea you could explore, and your spelling and grammar are well above average (although I wish that carried into your author's comments, too). However, when every sentence has multiple adjectives and adverbs, it becomes exhausting. Sometimes it's okay to say "Heero's eyes." Some words in particular are jarring; his "sky blue ornaments"? Unless Heero's a Christmas tree, or his eyes are just there for decoration, that's a strange description. I look forward to reading the next chapter. Feel better.
| Reviewed By: Kix [MediaMiner Member] On: January 19, 2006 13:50 CST
Comment/Review:
*hugs* poor sweety i like your stories i'll review.. I've always enjoyed Heero and Wufei stories. and thankyou for writing this one!
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