Title: FFRG (first chapter)
Reviewed By: Rini Saiyan-jin [MediaMiner Member] On: May 20, 2006 01:30 CDT
Comment/Review:
This has a really interesting introduction into the story and while I'm not familiar with the fandom, I like it so far. Now, when I ran into a sentence, "or were stumbling drunk in some alley after having one too much to drink.", the phrase probably should be "one too many to drink" because that phrase is what people are familiar with. Another thing that I noticed with your writing is the use of (#) next to items, clothing type, etc. On one hand, it feels like you're insulting the reader as though they do not know the stuff in your written work. Another thing, when you described what DDR is, is also a 'common knowledge', if you will. Readers sometimes do not like things being described when it is already a common knowledge. If you do wish to include the notes, take out the numbers and leave it just at the bottom for readers. Also, you seem to like the ellipses. Most of them were in poor use of ellipses, please review and do not 'abuse' it, even if you like the punctuation effects, like adding a sense of mystery-when there is none. While this is rather abrupt, this line, "a lone passerby notices a parked truck rocking violently but on his better judgment decides to leave it alone…", which also has an example of poor use of ellipses, it is also out from the left field. If you wish to add humor to the story, add more. Like what he was going to do but decides against it, or something along those lines. Another line I found, which makes it looks like you were randomly using the grammar check in MS word, "The individual countered, not turning around?", what's the question mark for? Don't trust the grammar checks so blindly, and if it wasn't the grammar check, then it is also a poor use of punctuation. On another note, the formatting of the paragraphs is poor as well, so make sure that each paragraphs are properly spaced between. On the whole, this chapter is really interesting and interesting plot, so keep writing.
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