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| "Black" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: FFRG Review - Resubmission
Reviewed By: LadyLark [MediaMiner Member] On: September 04, 2006 16:06 CDT
Comment/Review:
I can tell that you took time to edit this story for technical errors, and I appreciate the effort. I think that standing on its own this fic is a little weak. It felt very impersonal even though it is supposed to be a very personal letter. I felt detached and I think a great deal of it had to do with the word choices and sentence flow of the letter. I think that even though Anubis is colder emotionally and he states that he is giving off that aura that his letter to his "loved ones" would be more emotional because he is able to let himself go here when he can't in person. You have a good start writing wise. But I can't help but wish it were longer or included the reactions of its intended recipients. As it stands, I don't feel any connection to Anubis or Dais. However I really want to thank you for submitting a fic that I actually get to comment on the story telling and not the technical - that, in and of itself, is a rarity. Thank you for submitting to FFRG.
| Title: You Have Been Reviewed
Reviewed By: You Have Been Reviewed [MediaMiner Member] On: June 20, 2006 17:53 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
"Black" is another example from Isabel Night of fiction written in the form of a personal letter. This one has the added twist of being a letter written in advance of coming events, with Anubis still uncertain as to what the future might bring him. The one thing that I noticed right from the start is that "Black" has the same quirk of writing in places that "Blood is Thicker Than Water" had - the overuse of commas in a sentence. This leads to a common comma fault - using commas where they're not needed or in place of more appropriate punctuation. The first sentence of the letter reads: "It is my deepest hope and desire that you, Cale, and Sekhmet, will be able to acquire this letter before the final assault on Talpa's Castle, and his forces, by the five Ronin Warriors." This is a situation where, again, it's entirely possible to rework the sentence to be grammatically correct while holding onto the character voice. "It is my deepest hope and desire that you, Cale and Sekhmet will be able to aquire this letter before the final assault on Talpa's Castle - and his forces - by the five Ronin Warriors." Logistically, it's not even necessary to include the phrase "and his forces" - an assault on the castle automatically indicates that the enemy forces will be under assault as well. The comma faults are not as consistent in this one as in "Blood is Thicker Than Water". That suggests that it's not necessarily a part of the characterization and thus can be cleaned up. "I fear that the four of us are stuck inside a predicament that we cannot seem to get out of, and I worry that my previous actions, especially the incident at those mortal "train tracks," have made this critical situation seem even worse." Again - all that's truly necessary to fix this is better punctuation: "I fear that the four of us are stuck inside a predicament that we cannot seem to get out of. I worry that my previous actions - especially the incident at those mortal 'train tracks' - have made this critical situation seem even worse." Most of these comma faults come from placing commas where it seems appropriate to pause while reading. The comma is not always the punctuation of choice in these situations; a period, semicolon, colon or dash is often the better choice. This story did not have the emotional pull that "Blood is Thicker Than Water" had. Anubis acknowledges in this letter that he gives off a cold and emotionless aura; however, he also indicates that it is not the whole of his feelings. In a personal letter such as this, the writer's inner feelings come out and the illusion he gives to the public would be dropped. Mentioning loneliness is not the same as evoking it in writing; someone who is cold and emotionless can acknowledge that they are lonely without actually feeling it. Likewise, there is only a small amount of heartfelt pull when he writes about his brothers in arms - if he fears that he may lose them or they him, then his feelings both about them and toward them would bleed through more strongly. These are areas that could be worked on to generate a better sense of emotion in this piece. Also, I'm not sure that I fully connected the title to the story - "Black" doesn't mean the same thing to all people, and I didn't really feel any connection between the word "black" and the contents of the letter. The addition of the End Notes that contained cultural references was again a nice touch. It might help to include that "Kannon" is a common or popular name; the formal name for her in Japan is Kanzeon Bosatsu. This will help fans of various series connect her to other portrayals by other manga and anime artists. Overall, the writing in this piece is again fairly solid, but the storytelling ability and overall enjoyment of the piece slid a bit from the last one I reviewed. This review can also be found at: http://uvebeenreviewed.livejournal.com/4433.html
| Title: FFRG
Reviewed By: Dee-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: February 21, 2006 14:46 CST
Comment/Review:
Overall, while there were no glaring grammatical or spelling errors in "Black", I thought that it was mediocre. It didn't impact me strongly, mostly because of the lack of a plot and the fact that I didn't feel particularly attached to the narrator or his cause. I did enjoy the narrator's voice, however. Anubus spoke a little formal, a little casual, in that modern-meets old mix that is totally appropriate for a Ronin Warrior's one shot. *This is totally irrelevant to "Black" and hopefully will not be a black mark on the professionalism of FFRG: I think you have one of the most fantastic pennames that I've read!
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