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| "The Way to Piece of Mind" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG review - chap 2
Reviewed By: ElvinYouko [MediaMiner Member] On: June 30, 2006 16:28 CDT
Comment/Review:
You seem to have a good grasp of the characters and feel of Sailor Moon. However, I noticed a few errors like "bridle" when you mean "bridal". This suggests that you could do with a more knowledgable editor. Also, your action is a little choppy - "Everyday, Serena thought about her relationship with Darien. Could he really be in love with her? Visions of a hauntingly beautiful bridle ground danced as she closed her eyes. The image looked real. Then, out-of-nowhere, a woman appeared in her vision. Serena jerked in her sleep. This woman did not belong. "Serena, you will kill Darien."" Adding a few more comments about the dream and then mentioning some kind of transition - something along the lines of "then the dream dissolved and abruptly...." - might make things less jerky. You make some grammatical errors; the comma in " Serena, continued to pray that voice would stop." is unecesary. Overall your writing is fine. But the editing errors suggest that you have problems viewing your writing objectively, which is very common. I find it helpful to let a chapter sit on my computer for a week after I finish it, then giving it one last read-through to look for things. The week-long break gives you fresh eyes and helps you see things you miss when you are busy writing the chapter. Thank you for letting FFRG review your fic. Hope this helps!
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Yuugi-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: March 10, 2006 14:53 CST
Comment/Review:
You have something good going on here, but I believe you need to go into a bit more depth with your descriptions as this chapter was much to short to hold my interest. It needs to be composed and organized a bit better as many paragraphs seem out of place and order. You have many typos, homophone and punctuation errors, and many tense changes. You also need to start a new paragraph when a sentence of dialogue is written. The sentences in this were very choppy and hard to get through, and it feels as if something is missing. You need to describe more rather than just telling the reader what is going on. Get into your character's mind and tell her emotions, feelings, and her reactions to the things around her as she would experience it. I highly recommend a good beta-reader, which can be found by either posting in the "I need a beta" thread, or picking one out from the beta-reader list. This story has much to be improved, but it has potential to become good. I did enjoy the plot of it though. Thank you for submitting to the FFARG and I hope you continue to do so.
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