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| "Blood Is Thicker Than Water" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: FFRG Review
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: June 27, 2006 15:27 CDT
Comment/Review:
First off, I apologize for the lateness to this review. With that said here is the review for your piece. Thank you for submitting this piece to FFRG. Despite the length of your piece you have a very solid piece of fiction. The letter format challenges the reader to dive into the head of the character and for you, the author, to know the character very well. You have acomplished that very well coming quite close to Cale's character. You have captured the emotion in his letter to Anubis quite well and that comes across in the words written in the letter. While that does help make the piece quite good there were some parts of this piece that could use some revising. Like the prior reviewer I felt that some of the lines came off as being technical in nature. Being a personal letter and the world the Masho come from grammar may not be Cale's strong point. The technical side to this writing can be overlooked because of the nature of the piece. However, I found one scentence in particular that could use some revising. "I am very sorry for not composing this letter as soon as I set foot inside my temporary sleeping chamber, which, much to my surprise, was waiting for me after Dais, Sekhmet, Kayura, and I had asked our host, the girl I believe you were fond of, if we could stay for the evening inside her family's mansion." Like the prior reviewer I feel this sentence would better serve the piece if it were broken into two seperate sentences. The overuse of comas in the sentence could have some readers considering it to be a run-on sentence. Again, with the nature of the piece and the world the characters come from this could be overlooked. The suggestion made by the prior reviewer to revise that sentence should be taken into consideration as it will help the piece flow better. It would help to have a second pair of eyes look over your work before submitting to see where you might need to make revisions to the piece. Again you do have a good piece considering its length and type. You show improvement with your work. Keep writing and keep improving. Once again thank you for submitting your piece to FFRG.
| Title: You Have Been Reviewed
Reviewed By: You Have Been Reviewed [MediaMiner Member] On: June 20, 2006 15:13 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Fiction written in the form of a letter is interesting, because it forces the writer to get very far into the main character's head - the author not only has to know the character's likes and dislikes, personality traits and common habits, they also have to know how the character would write a letter to another person. I have not watched Ronin Warriors for many years now, so I can't comment directly on the characterization of Cale in this story. I only have vague recollections of the plot and characters, though this story did a lot to bring back memories of the show. That in and of itself suggests that the characterizations aren't too far off. Through the course of this letter, Cale comes across as someone who is dignified and thoughtful, someone who is detail-oriented, and someone who does not believe in saying or doing things without a purpose. It's always difficult to address a deceased loved one, and the pain of that feeling is evident in the choice of words, the train of thought and even the admission that Cale feels the attachment to his brother in arms as much as he would have a blood relative - if not more. For being short and to the point, this is also a very poignant piece. It's nice to see short fiction that can evoke emotion and tell a story at the same time. The one sticking point for that was in the technical structure of some sentences - the first sentence is a good example of what was a recurring theme in technical writing: "I am very sorry for not composing this letter as soon as I set foot inside my temporary sleeping chamber, which, much to my surprise, was waiting for me after Dais, Sekhmet, Kayura, and I had asked our host, the girl I believe you were fond of, if we could stay for the evening inside her family's mansion." There are a LOT of commas in that sentence, and in normal prose it would constitute a run-on sentence. Technically, it can be allowed - the Ronin Warriors characters are not the types to be overly concerned with rules of grammar, especially when writing personal letters. Alternatively, the sentence could be fixed to be technically correct without ruining Cale's 'voice' in the work - "I am very sorry for not composing this letter as soon as I set foot inside my temporary sleeping chamber. Much to my surprise, said sleeping chamber was waiting for me after Dais, Sekhmet, Kayura and I had asked our host - the girl I believe you were fond of - if we could stay for the evening inside her family's mansion." The same problem could be fixed the same way when it appears in other areas of the story. I was glad to see that the End Notes on this piece included cultural information about Enma-sama and his importance in the story. Not all readers are going to be familiar with the name or the character's importance, and that adds a little bit of insight for them. While it is clear that there is much of the story left unsaid, this one-shot does exactly what it was designed to do - it gives insight into a small piece of a character's life and thoughts. It brings out thoughts and emotions that might not have been readily recognizable in the series, and it adds another small piece to Cale's character in the fandom. Despite it's short length, this is a solid piece of fiction. This review can also be found at: http://uvebeenreviewed.livejournal.com/4145.html
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