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| "A Second Chance" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: Ch1 review
Reviewed By: lorddane [MediaMiner Member] On: May 02, 2006 12:01 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
ok, this it the first time I've reviewed a writing (usualy I review music compositions) I do things differently than most people. simply telling you what I like and don't like isn't very helpful so what I do is look at it from a different point of view: How can I help you be a better writer? so even though it seems like I'm cutting down your work, I'm not, I am trying to get you to think abouthow you can write better stories. I split my review into pro/con for each chapter, I hope this helps you in the future. ch1 cons I have noticed all the text is in proper english, these are normal people so they should speak in that manner. Some of your descriptions are uncommon ways of describing normal things (example:"turns and looks back at Jean who was holding her upper body up by pushing on her knees recovering from the laughing." might work as :turns and looks back at Jean who is doubbled over with her hands on her knees, laughing.) You don't need to use complex sentences to describe simple events (example:"With that he instantly took off into a full fledge run and jumped the railing landing on the beach." With that he began sprinting, jumping the railing and landing on the beach.) I noticed you use the word "Instantly" a lot you might want to try different words in place of this, not because it is overused, but because of its notation on the passage of time. If somone is traveling a long distance (30'+) the it would be better to use a word to denote his/her speed rather than the amount of time it takes to get there (this allows you to put in character thought as he/she is traveling). Ro you can use the two in combination. Another important thing to ask your self is "how much time in the real world passed?" when describing the amount of time it takes for an action to occur (ambulance going to hospital) think of it in real time, the ask yourself "is the character's mind moving in real time or not. If so give a realistic amount of time, if not decide weter his/her thoughts are moving faster or slower than what is happening around them. (example: Ted stumbled back in shock, he felt his chest. Seeing the blood drip from his fingers, the world came to a standstill as he fell to the ground 'is this the end? why didn't I return that DVD?') The mind moves at different speeds for different events so this is an important aspect when writing from any point of view. pros I like the story line, it makes me wonder who this girl is, is Jean a love interest, and will this new girl and Jean compete for Ryan's love? The way he found her was interesting and gives a good amount of foreshadowing into the girl's personal story. summary this is a good story, most of your problems lie in the choice of words and the tiny details. I'll review the next chapter soon. p.s. sorry about the wait, college is all consuming
| Reviewed By: inuyasha-lover [MediaMiner Member] On: April 22, 2006 10:55 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
nice chapter. i can berly wate to read more please continue it soon so that i can
| Reviewed By: inuyasha-lover [MediaMiner Member] On: April 15, 2006 17:36 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
i like this story please continue it soon i wish to read more
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