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| "Lilly" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: sunrisegoodbyes [MediaMiner Member] On: October 09, 2006 19:38 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hey i love this fan fic. i dont know what that other person you left you a review meant because i thought this was great. and i dont mind the quotes and the spaces. anywho, just wondering when will you be updating i want to know what Lilly thinks of Inuyasha!!
| Reviewed By: InusDemoness [MediaMiner Member] On: May 26, 2006 21:36 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 5 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 4 of 10
Overall Rating: 5 of 10 Comment/Review:
First off I think it was well written. There were few miss-spelled words and only few grammar problems, like when you use "quotes" you put a space between the quote and the words of the sentence. That's a grammatical error but not really a big deal. The second was the format. I know aligning things to the middle of the page is pretty but that's bad format for writing. As for the story itself I found it a little hard to believe. First off was how Kagome called her mother "mother" she usually calls her "mom". She also seemed to be a little too accepting of the fact that not only does she have to hunt for shards and start college, but now they're just going to give her a three year old. You also have a time problem. If her aunt was pregnant when she left and then got killed in the car accident why wasn't Lily given to her sooner? She's three years old which is weird, so either they were just keeping her in America for three years (highly unlikely since they would have tried to get her back to her surviving family as soon possible.) , or Kagome's aunt and uncle stayed on vacation for three years. You should try to fix that and stay more aware of how much time you want to pass in your stories. And I know Kagome's mom is oddly understanding about her daughter time hopping but I really don't think she would let her take on a baby. She knows how hard it for Kagome already. She's got two kids so she must know what a challenge it is, I think her mother would forbidden this. Also the believability of the story is challenged because even in Japan they have adoption laws much like the ones in America. Unless the person is super rich, you have to have two parents to adopt a child and one parent has to be at least 25 and the other at least 20. I know it's fanfiction but everything can't be completely made up, you have to have some reality in the story. Also it's a little odd that her aunt and uncle both have American names when they're from Japan and even more odd that they gave their daughter an American name. You probably did this because you didn't know any Japanese names, which I understand completely but there are lots of sites full of them. Such as this one: http://www.weddingvendors.com/baby-names/origin/japanese/ If this is your first story then no worries you'll get better. Just take constructive criticism when given and use to make you stories better.
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