Title: FFRG Review
Reviewed By: Chibi Halo [MediaMiner Member] On: October 06, 2006 00:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
Thank you for submitting your piece to FFRG. While you do use a pretty predictable plot for your crossover you take that plot into a different direction. As a reader of Ranma crossovers it would be nice to see someone writing one with Ah My Goddess stray away from the "Ranma gets a wish" or "Ranma somehow becomes a goddess" plotlines. The twist in the plotline did make things more interesting; however, there were some things that ended up giving you plot holes in your piece. Without describing the people your main character runs into, the reader is left wondering why Ukyo is dressed the same as Ryouga and how Ryouga could be mistaken for Ukyo. Also, you leave the reader wondering how Ranma knew the name of the goddess and where to find her. These things are important to the story and would be better served in a third person story. The first person narration here has left you open to some important questions that are not answered through your narration. As for your grammar, you do fairly well with that though there is one spot where you use more commas than you really need. In the line "Well, it wasn't my problem (Please don't let it be my problem!) and in a few minutes, Ukyou and Akane wouldn't be, either." You should take out the last two commas because you cannot take out "Ukyo and Akane wouldn't be" and have the sentence still make sense. Overall, you have a piece that has good potential and you work a predictable clichéd plotline into something different. However, you do need to spend a few moments going over the piece again, and have a second pair of eyes check it out as well, to see exactly where you need to fill in your plot holes and fix your minor grammar mistakes. Once again thank you for submitting your piece to FFRG.
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