Title: Good Premise
Reviewed By: Marine Brother Shran [MediaMiner Member] On: June 09, 2006 19:21 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
It's an interesting start. It has a good premise. However the story really lacks punch, so to speak. I feel like I'm just reading a collection of words. However since it is your fanfic I'll try to go easy on you with my comments. Your writing seems really dead. I mean the fact that the paragraphs are so short, that for one thing spoils the setting and secondly it doesn't give readers much to think about. Because all they see is the character doing this, this, and that. It's basically a bowl that's waiting to be filled up. What you need to do is add more depth to the scene. Add some description, maybe throw in some imagery, that kind of thing. It would really boost your story, and draw in the readers. It wouldn't hurt, and you'd probably get more reviews that way. However if you are looking for good crtiques, I suggest posting this on FanFiction.net because a lot of those people are extremely helpful when they give advice. Those kind of people know what they're saying, and know their stuff. If you want help, that's the place to be. Also, I have a preposition. If you'd like, I'll pre-read your work. If you accept just e-mail me your responce. Cheers ^^ Ja ne. Gambatte.
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