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| "Nightmares" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: bumblebee876 On: March 22, 2008 14:44 CDT
Comment/Review:
Write more G/V! alternate pairings suck!
| Title: Not bad, but...
Reviewed By: Kanto The Slayer [MediaMiner Member] On: November 28, 2006 23:09 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 6 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 6 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
First of all, you did well. Do not doubt that. That said, let's target a few things that might have given you a bigger score. Your grammar was sloppy in places, especially towards the end. Plenty of long, winding sentences without natural flow. It made the story hard to read, frankly. Second, you could have been a bit more colorful in your wording in the lemon scene. Too many words repeated- variety and creativity in wording is important if you want a damned good scene. Take Sueric's fics as an example- she uses so many words to describe one thing that it's always a different experience. Not to mention that you could have shown a bit more excitement in a few parts. Example... "Gohan had just kissed her. Gohan had just kissed her! She couldn't believe it!" See? Better. And once again, it has a natural flow- something you need to work on. Other than that, pretty good. Work on your creativity, work on your grammar, and you may get a higher score from me on your next fic.
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