Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: Shinashi [MediaMiner Member] On: July 24, 2006 16:44 CDT
Comment/Review:
First, your story is not AU-ish; it is AU. This story is not from a gundam war, that would be AU-ish, or on the line of the plot of the original Gundam Wing. Secondly, Duo and Heero aren't chibis; they are children. Chibi's are ultra-small, chubby, wide-eyed, ultra-cute versions of their bigger counterpart characters. "this is just practice, so if you mess up" In this phrase, their should be a semi-colon between 'if' and 'practice'. Leave out 'so'. This will strengthen your sentence, because, at first, this sentence seemed like a run-on. There are other not-so-erroneous sentences like this. Even with the flaws stated, I found the story cute and fluffy, which was the original intention, yes? It was plain to me how a child thinks and acts, especially when not receiving their way, and still have their personality in check. (Duo's and Heero's) From their backgrounds, it seemed plausible that that would be their response for to their teacher when not being able to find a reasonable solution for their problem. Again, cute factor. Also, the last part could have been taken out, it was too abrupt and not cute. Hope you submit more to FFARG!
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