Title: FFRG - Chapter 1
Reviewed By: Silver Armada [MediaMiner Member] On: January 21, 2007 23:50 CST
Comment/Review:
I know, this review comes long after you've posted your story and for that I apologize. Anyway, you have a very interesting concept in Elvor and the idea that one of Frieza's henchmen seeks revenge for his death. The execution of that idea is a bit lacking. Instead of telling the reader about everything that happens, try to show it. There are too many details given away in the narrative that could be expressed through a few short scenes. Also, remember that when the subject changes, you should start a new paragraph. There were a few times I felt like the subject had changed but it was all still in the same paragraph, which was a bit confusing. Finally, don't be afraid to make your chapters longer and build up the scenes with more imagery. Purple prose is a very bad thing, but too little description makes it hard for readers to follow what's happening--as the author you should give enough information to set up the scene but let the reader fill in the little details with his/her imagination. Again, my apologies for the late review and thank you for submitting to FFRG.
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