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| "Eva Stockholm" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: Sawyer On: January 26, 2008 10:49 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
The idea was great and originally but this fanfic contain too much simplification! Ie: where're the Nerv Agent when Shinji was kidnapped? And how can the Asian woman so simply hack the Magy Sistem without been catched? And the 6 ladies kidnapped Shinji, give them too easily and escape with him into an island only cause "Little Shinji" has a lenght of 9 inch? Also the description in the story lack in lot of scenes (not only in the sex one) cause we don't know nothing about the 6 ladyes and the reaction of Shinji's friend after his kidnapped, etc etc. I suggest you to rewrite the story widening description and sex parts and also the 6 women background ;-)
| Reviewed By: Vilkath [MediaMiner Member] On: January 30, 2007 19:40 CST
Comment/Review:
I think the basic idea has promise, obscure person kidnaping Shinji to save him. Angels not really being bad.. just wanting what Gendo has back etc. How ever the plot points are more then a little vague, including major original characters can always be difficult. But you made up 6, which the whole story basicaly revolves around. But you didn't really take the time to devolop any their personalty, heck if you miss the one paragrph where they say their names you would hardly even know what they look like. This is only the second story of yours I have read, and I still say you could use some work on your lemon descriptions. You go all out for blowjobs, but the rest of the sex is very vague and generic. Just slam bam thank you mam.
| Reviewed By: CF On: September 12, 2006 10:32 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 4 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Taro, there is something we call writer's convience. As you can tell from the name of it, it is something that occurs in stories to keep the drama or even the story itself going. It's okay to use it every now and then but, most of the better stories, don't even seem to use it or make it so subtle that you barely notice. There was some of it everywhere in this story. Reasons for kidnapping, how the kidnapping actually happened, the fact that grown women would want anything to do with a kid that doesn't even like himself, etc. Granted this is a lemon but look at how much your ACC's do. It becomes corny simply because of there abilities, not to even mention how you wrote the characters. Even I'm gulity of writing Shinji holllow sometimes, but man this whole story is empty. When I look at a character in this story all I see is the words you put on them, not the character. It's hard to explain but you have to put more effort into the characters even if it's just a lemon. Not for the sake of sex but for the sake of the entire story. The most direct thing I have to say is stay away from using corny lines and especially corny situations. Lemons, for the most part, are already unintentionally amusing. I mean even I laugh out loud at myself when I writing the stuff and can't help it but you don't want your reader doing the same because you wrote some crazy contrived stuff. Also see what I wrote about writer's convience? Sometimes letting the character be disappointed can mean so much more. Sometimes, it's when nothing happens that you can fill the gap with insight or something of that nature instead of continuing to make hollow chain of events. At the of the day, the only good things to say is that I didn't see any spelling errors or anything. Never really make it a point to look for them and it was an original idea despite being poorly executed. You'll know you're a better writer when you won't even want to look at this anymore. I know it sounds rash but I'm being completely honest.
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