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| "Amnesia" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Title: -daisy (insane angel)
Reviewed By: daisygirl [MediaMiner Member] On: December 11, 2006 22:20 CST
Comment/Review:
I like the story so far, things seem a little complicated, like why wouldn't "Jake" tell them he had amnesia when they said he looked like Goten... But answers are still to be revealed, right? Hope to read the next chapter soon. ~daisy
| Reviewed By: NA On: November 20, 2006 23:53 CST
Rating(s):Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
You have good descriptions of events, sometimes even too good. The story itself is good, except for one major(at least for me)detail, the dialogue. I'm not an expert writer or anything, but a character is suppose to use his/her own words when speaking, not the writer's words. Does that make sense? Let me explain. In the first chapter, when Goten looked outside he says that the typhoon "left devastation in its wake". That doesn't sound like Goten's own words at all. It sounds like your own words. Goten would probably say something simple to describe it. Even if the characters are OOC(which I assume is the case because Bra isn't an idiot)you are still using your own words in the dialogue. Try to get into the character's head and see what they will say. It doesn't have to be fancy or complicated. Little things like this occur in all over the first chapter, and it kind of put me off on reading the next chapter. Besides this, its a good first chapter.
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