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| "Young Girl" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Reviewed By: GrayBear32 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 06, 2007 16:16 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Really want to see more of this one. Please continue.
| Reviewed By: Xlthanga [MediaMiner Member] On: February 19, 2007 18:02 CST
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
Pretty interesting :D Hope you update this despite your reluctance
| Reviewed By: bs On: November 21, 2006 20:35 CST
Comment/Review:
You should remove this author note and add it to end of the first chapter. If I'm not mistaken, it's not allowed to post author notes as chapters here.
| Reviewed By: Anomalous Coward On: November 20, 2006 23:53 CST
Comment/Review:
Okay, the first chapter was EXTREMELY hot. You have much promise as a smutwriter, young padawan. On the other hand, the second chapter was pretty weak, for two reasons. First, the fact that we know from the start that the whole thing is just in Keitaro's head takes away some of the effect. Think about it--getting just one accidental peep or grope of the object of one's lust in REALITY, is better than going through the entire Kama Sutra with them in FANTASY. Second, the "nurse" fantasy is completely hackneyed and generic, and the progression of the sex from fondling to fellatio to cunnilingus to intercourse is downright mechanical. I guess this can be excused by the fact that it is Keitaro's fantasy and it's his fault for not having a better imagination, but still. That fantasy sex scene could have been about any of the other girls just by changing the name. You need to focus more on the characteristics of Shinobu--for example, her cuteness, innocence (at least as perceived by others) and physical immaturity (key words: petite, slim, and let's not forget tight) And if Keitaro feels even guiltier for having fantasies that dwell on the very things that make Shinobu forbidden fruit, so much the better. Don't take this criticism too harshly--this story has promise and I'm looking forward to seeing where you take it in future chapters.
| Reviewed By: Ausir On: November 19, 2006 05:21 CST
Comment/Review:
This was a great read! Hope you'll continue it. Just a few notes. The age for having sex in Japan is 13, so even though Keitaro feels bad about lusting for a girl much younger than him it's not actually illegal. Also, I detected one small mistake, when Keitaro wakes up in the hospital bed, he's naked, but when the sex starts, he's dressed. Other than that, this story is terrific, you've got quite some skill, though it would perhaps be more enjoyable if you made the chapters longer. Sincerily, Ausir
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