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| "Night" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: evilvixen [MediaMiner Member] On: April 06, 2007 17:53 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
It was really entretaining. It didn't had character's names or a better description of the boy, but it only added to the mystery i believe you were trying to projected. Keep writing more!
| Reviewed By: Sakiku [MediaMiner Member] On: February 27, 2007 10:08 CST
Comment/Review:
Well, except for the fact that a penis is in no way, shape, or size a muscle, I found story quite fascinating. I especially liked your descriptions at the beginning of the story, like 'bright anaemic rays of moonlight' and the blinking alarm clock. You have a very powerful way with your words. But, on the other hand, I'm not quite sure just _why_ you have written this little scene. It seems a bit arbitrary to me, perhaps because I couldn't quite get the emotions involved. Yes, you did describe the boy's feelings (at least in the second part of the story where the vampire comes in), but somehow it was... too fast, I think. You didn't give me enough time to appreciate the vampire's magnetism that turns the boy's fear into (un)willing lust. And it would have been great if you had given a reason for the boy's cutting. You did say that during cutting, he was emotionless, but there must be something beneath to turn him into that rabid beast that just has to unleash all its increasingly desperate frustration? despair? fear? anxiety?. It would be an especially nice twist if you tied it to the end of the story - the vampire leaves him in the morning, and perhaps that's the reason for the cutting (so that the vampire will come again the next night). If you want to make this story especially devious, you could say that the vampire erases his memory before leaving, leaving the boy only an inexplicable urge to continue cutting, having to reexperience the vampire's presence anew every night. New Paragraph Yes, I think those are the two things that would make your story even more powerful to me: tying the end to the beginning (or the beginning to the end?), and taking a little bit more time for the boy to evolve his feelings. One second, you have him trembling in fear, almost whimpering in terror, and the next second, he aquiesces to the vampire's advances, even going so far that he becomes sexually aroused - only from two kisses. Perhaps you could give the vampire's voice some more magnetism, e. g. after that "I love you", the boy could feel a little shiver travelling down his spine that feels good and bad at the same time. Or you could give those exceptional blue eyes some mesmerizing qualities, especially since you mention them quite often (an ideal place would be just between the sentences where the vampire forces the boy to meet his eyes and the next one, where the vampire leans down to kiss the boy and the boy realises he is responding).New Paragraph But, as I have mentioned before (at least I hope I did, otherwise please forgive me), this is only my opinion. You have a very nice writing style that paints vivid images, and that is something many can't do.
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