| "A Different Reality" Reviews/Comments [ 36 ] |
| Pages (3): [ « ‹ 1 2 3 ] |
Reviewed By: mimicv18 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 24, 2007 13:47 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 6 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Ok I really enjoyed this chapter but there are a few things that you could do to improve it the first mistake you made was a mistake which all new writers do when writing a fight scene, you focused so much on naruto that you ended up down playing all the other characters naruto does loads of cool jutsus while kakashi does all most no jutsus also kakashi got tired to quickly for the amount of stuff he did. Yes when kakashi fights zabuza in the manga he gets really tired after the fight but that's after he does all that copying and illusions and that massively powerful water jutsu and water clones as well as standing on water and all the fighting. When naruto started using some of those jutsus that could have killed kakashi, kakashi would have used the choroid to narutos shoulder or something equally as deadly they are ninja after all and look at some of the jutsus they use in the chunin exam against each other. Second mistake was this sentence: 'It was then that many shuriken were thrown at him from both sides.' If you read this out loud you should be able to see what is wrong with this sentence, you should have said something like this: 'He suddenly noticed hundreds of shuriken coming towards him from both sides.' By using words like 'suddenly' you increase the pace of the fight by giving it a sense of urgency and that something is happening very quickly another example: 'A great ball of raging flame came roaring towards him.' By using appropriate wording to describe the action that is happening it increases the overall feel of life in the story and puts really good pictures in peoples mind. The reason your originality/creativity was down for this chapter was because of the first mistake you made which I pointed out to you, I have scene this happen way to often. But do not despair overall this chapter was great one of the best things about writing naruto fan fiction is making up your own jutsus rather then just all ways using the cannon jutsus from the manga. As for being on a team I assume you will just have him doing jonin missions which is not unheard of both kakashi and itatchi where anbu at his age well kakashi was a jonin but went into anbu a year later. Here's an idea if your using my idea of having them graduate at 14 in stead of 12 then naruto spends 3 years doing jonin missions and then loses a bet to asuma and then has to take on a genin team instead of asuma. Kureani is supposed to only have been a jonin for 1year before she takes on a team. This would be a fantastic twist to this story and would be just so different to any other story out there I have no idea what the paring will be in this story but what ever the paring have him date and sleep around before he falls in love as I am sick of reading stories where he just dates one girl and falls in love with them, its just so sad. Also I take it you are using the idea that naruto does have unlimited chakra but he only has so much in his body at one time so when he uses a powerful jutsu it takes a good bit out of him but then a few seconds later he has full chakra again. If you would take me I would like to be your beta and help you write this fic, don't worry it would still be your fic I just wish to go over each chapter for you and see if I can help any where, as I my self am a genin yes I know what your thinking but genin is the correct name for some one who has been learning ninjutsu for so many years, I have been doing it for 3years so far. There are three ranks in ninjutsu genin, chunin and jonin. Hope you accept my offer, I cannot wait for the next chapter either way :] My email address if you accept is: orders@trinityfarm.co.uk
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Reviewed By: spiritwolf30 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 23, 2007 10:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
Damn that was good I was kinda thinking he was going to have to fight Sasuke why I thought that was because thats what most ppl write to se how strong he is man I am glad you did something different but nw here is my question they gave him a head protector sorry cann`t remember the name of it so wouldn`t that mean e is a ninja now so he doesn`t have to go through the academy now since they get there head protectors when they pass the genin exam cool and in the show he becomes a genin when he was 12 years old or was it 13 since thy say he failed the exam 2 or 3 times ok since now he has his head protector making him as a genin what are you going to do with the others since they become genin when there 12 well thats in the show gdthis suck I am confusing myself lol anyways keep up the good work and please update soon oh yeah don`t forget to update your other story that is also good
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Reviewed By: GrayPheonix [MediaMiner Member] On: June 23, 2007 03:57 CDT
Comment/Review:
SWEET, THE CHEATING EYE HAS BEEN OVERRIDDEN!!! Cool idea to do that. Still, how would the seal work to do that? I'd love to see an explanation for that. Anyway, please update again soon, later.
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Reviewed By: spiritwolf30 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 20, 2007 15:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
So far I really like this story and I do hope Naruto and Hinata will be on the same team since it is going to be a Naruto/Hinata pairring a pairring that is getting really really old and over used but who care it seem everybody loves using that pairring since it is very very easy to ake a story with that pairring tha actually do a story where Naruto is paired up with somebody else oh wait thats not it I forgot Naruto isn`t good enough to be paired up with anybody else oh well and I should shut up since I cann`t write a story I shouldn`t say anything so no more reviews from me maybe heck I don`t even know if this story will even be updated anymore hell since there has been well over 3 reviews heck its enough for 2 chapters oh well
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Reviewed By: Rokubi no Rajuu On: June 20, 2007 14:18 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
The NaruHina is great for the story. Also for telling about Naruto's past when he was beaten. Mostly it's good that you put that Naruto has a hobby that his dad(Fourth Hokage) was a master,seals. Finally one more thing when Naruto battles for his rank maybe Iruka would be the person to battle him.
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Reviewed By: mimicv18 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 17, 2007 15:04 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
this chapter was good but becouse not much happed its hard to coment but i enjoyed it. I all so enjoyed the way you didnt tell me what you had planed for the story becouse it means you didnt spoil it for me later on. From the way jahrya was so happy with Naruto's progress i guess Naruto is some where between high chunin and mid jonin becouse itachi was so good he killed his whole clan and then his best freind when he was just 3 years older than naruto is now. Does naruto have all most unlimted stamina and chakra like in the cartoon, i hope he does becouse he would becouse thats why the 4th hokage put the kuyubi in a baby so his boby and chakra would grow to fit the kuyubi's demonic chakra which seeps out of the seal at all times [thats why naruto heals so fast and with in an hour has full chakra and energy again] and this would have the effect of naruto being half demon simply becous he grew up with the demonic lord of destruction in him who is the most powerful demon for a reson the reson being that all the other tailed demons control an element, like gaara controls sand becouse his demon was the cursed priest of the desert and if he whanted to he could create a whole city made of glass after all glass is just condensed sand is it not and all the other demons have the abiliy to create as well as destroy while the kuyubi who controlls fire only has the ability to kill, maim and distroy plus hes the oldest as every time any of the others got to powerful he distroyed them and being demons they just go reborn but as there weekist levels which is why the kuyubi would be so scared of death becouse then he would be the weekist. I found this out when i looked into the myths behind the tailed demons and then i drew my on conclusions about the kuyubi's fear of death after all there demons hells hardly a problem for them as its where they were born. Any way good look with the next chapter and i hope when you write the fight scene you remember they are ninjas when they do somthing that there Opponent doesnt understand they wouldnt stand there for the next thew minutes and tell there opponent what they did [like most other authors do] please dont do this as it distroys the flow and feel of the fight, if its a friendly fight they my tell there opponent after the fight but not in the fight. like i said good look and dont give up on this story ok becouse it has so much potential and life in it, it has this feeling which most other storys dont it feels alive it has escences while most other storys just sit there on the page and consists of words with out feeling this story dosent do that it feels so a live.
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Reviewed By: GrayPheonix [MediaMiner Member] On: June 17, 2007 14:50 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hmmmm, interesting. This story looks like something worth continuing to read. Please update this soon. Plus, what are the other kinjutsu that Naruto knows? And the obvious question, does he know the Rasengan yet? Beyond that basic question, is he going to have any other special abilities? I assume you'll put Naruto and Hinata in the same team, if not at first then eventually. Anyways, That's all I ahve to say, so get those other reviews so you'll post the next chapter.
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Reviewed By: spiritwolf30 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 17, 2007 09:45 CDT
Comment/Review:
LOL here is another rewview so that means you just need one more ok lol anyways so far I really like your story I really like stories where Naruto leaves the village for a couple of years and come back stronger I just hope that you have it he puts Sasuke in his place why I said that is because I hate Sasuke oh yeah I know your going to make the pairring to be Naruto and Hinata thats cool since thats the only person everybody wants to see Naruto with since Naruto isn`t good enough to be paired up with any other girl but thats cool I do like seeing Naruto with Hinata even if that pairring has been done hundreds of times its kinda getting old oh well since this a Naruto/Hinata pairring it would be really cool if they put on the same team together well in my opinion it would be cool well thats just and idea on a tea you could do anyways PLEASE UPDATE SOON I just hope we done have to wait really long for more updates since almost all the good author don`t wait to update there stories anymore oh well please update oon and keep up the great work
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Reviewed By: spiritwolf30 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 17, 2007 09:31 CDT
Comment/Review:
Ok first off so far I really like the story but you made a small mistake and that was in chapter 2 you said he was 12 years old the thing is he left when he was 6yrs old and was only gone for 5 years so he would be 11 but in chapter 3 you did correct it by saying he is 11 ok thats all
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Reviewed By: mousetrap [MediaMiner Member] On: June 16, 2007 23:22 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Looks like a great story line and it seems like you planned ahead instead of writing off the top of your head. I am very interested in finding out what will develop but are you going to bring in any of the other rookie nine and neji into the picture? cant wait for more.
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Title: Good to have you back
Reviewed By: Mirena [MediaMiner Member] On: June 16, 2007 17:03 CDT
Comment/Review:
I have enjoy your take on the divergence from the story, and your fic is enjoyable. Wonder how will Naruto react now that he has had some proper attention and training for 5 years.
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Reviewed By: funnyduckie1 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 16, 2007 13:53 CDT
Rating(s):Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
GREAT FIC!!! plz update soon!!!
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Reviewed By: mimicv18 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 28, 2007 11:53 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
like i said befor with so little its hard to rate but its realy good so far. Just so you realise when Naruto returns he would be high A rank to maybe low S rank ninja after constant training every day all day from a sannin as well as having the nine tailed fox sealed inside him. On that note consider changing the graduation age at the Ninja acadmy to 14 or maybe even 16 so you can actualy have a realistic paring rather than this pre teen crap you get in so many other fictions were the age of graduation is still 12, all so the fights will have a much more realistic view to them rather then all these 12 year olds beating each other up and spouting off about the truths of the world when they havent even done or learnt enouth yet to even know what there going on about most the time and having them 2 or 4 years older then you planed has no effect on the overall story line but makes what you write seem more realistic. Maybe you can still use the whole controling fire and air idea from may last review, hint, hint, hint lol. Heres a tip for when you write a fight scean, dont have every one say there jutsus as it slows down the fight scean and makes them look stupid as only idiots tell the enemy what Jutsu you are about to do i mean there ninja for crying out loud masters of stealth and assinination so you can just do this instead: Naruto jumped back, shooting off a dozen fire balls at Zabuza befor going into a backwards roll as he landed raising wall of earth to block the hail of water bullets: hope you consider it dont worry though i will continue to read ever way, good luck with the next chapter
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Reviewed By: mimicv18 [MediaMiner Member] On: May 24, 2007 09:04 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
its hard to rate on only one chapter but i did my best its good so far and i can see many different places to take this story so which is good becouse it means i can not guess where its going. it would be cool thou if he ran away and got pick up by Zabuza and Haku and was traind by them, but he could controll fire and air like Haku controlls water ecept opposits so while water takes lots of controll and very little power fire takes very little controll and lots of power which Naruto has in spades. So all Naruto does is take all the water jutsu's Zabuza and Haku know and change them to fire and air. then when team 7 take the mission to the land of waves after Haku and Zabuza dies Kakashie takes Naruto back for interagation and Naruto ends up joining the leaf. thou you would have to make the graduation age 14 rather than 12 so it becomes easyer to have relationships as when the chunin exams come around they would all be about 15 going 16 plus this way Naruto could spend more time with Zabuza and Haku learning. hint hint hint lol its your story so its up to you i do hope thou that you dont make the same mistake loudes of people make and just have a nother Naruto does every thing the same just he is better story line. good look!!!!!!!!
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Reviewed By: Saric [MediaMiner Member] On: May 22, 2007 22:32 CDT
Comment/Review:
very very interesting to read hope to be able to read more chapters.
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| Pages (3): [ « ‹ 1 2 3 ] |
