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| "A Future Imperfect- Makoto and Minako's Journey" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: SailorAvalon [MediaMiner Member] On: April 22, 2008 04:55 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is a very entertaining story. I really like the thought you have put into it in exploring the feelings and desires of Makoto and Minako. I'd always wondered about mates/children for the other inner senshi in the future. Also, I liked that little bit about Setsuna seeing the chocolate cake in a vision. I think I would have trouble not giving her a hard time about it, too. Please keep up the good work. If you still need anyone to pre-read for you, I'm more than willing. My email address is nimuependrag@sailormoon.com if you would like to get in touch.
| Reviewed By: Bastion [MediaMiner Member] On: November 21, 2007 00:08 CST
Comment/Review:
Heh, that last chapter was cute. Cuuuuttteee... BTW, you still need a pre-reader? I'll be willing to help in exchange for help on my story/ies.
| Reviewed By: Bastion [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2007 00:18 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Well, since you asked nicely and you seem determine to improve, I'll give you my two cents. First, I'd see if the program you're using to write this is compatible with the website, most of you quotes, commas, and periods came out in funky squares which makes it hard to read. I haven't had problems with doc and txt files, but I'd double check you don't have anything fancy turned out (the infamous smart quotes in Word comes to mind). Second, though tense is ultimately your decision, I think for the purpose of this story I'd stick to past tense. Also, your prose tends to predict the next line of dialog. One style suggestion that's helped me in my own development is to view each scene through the perspective of one character rather than multiple characters. I'm not saying that you should did it that way but since the story is character driven it'd be nice for the character to give the prose their own personal flavor. In other words, let yourself become the character and pretend that their writing the scene. Finally, I'd rework the leadin of chapter 1. Instead of explaining what's happened since the end of the series, just jump right into the action and let Makoto and Minako fill in the details either though their dialog or thinking to themselves. Now don't be followed, though this story will need some fine tuning, you've got some positives on your side. The dialog is great and the plot you've presented thus far is intriguing (will Minako and Makoto pursuit of happiness doom the future?) and I'm curious to see where you go with this. So that's my two cents in a nutshell (though it grew with interest to about a dollar and some change). Keep it up, keep improving, and more importantly don't get discouraged!
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