| "Swallowed" Reviews/Comments [ 15 ] |
Reviewed By: ThisIsMeSmiling [MediaMiner Member] On: July 05, 2008 19:37 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Good story! A little confusing though with all the P.O.V shifts..you should try to keep it to just third person omniscient. And try being a little more descriptive. Overall the story needs to be cleaned up a bit but the plot is really good and you definetely have me interested! As for what I'd like to see happen..it sounds from his phone call that Kouga's cheating. I'd really like to see him get caught, throw in Kagome serving his ass back to him on a platter..but I have a feeling that won't be happening for a while. ;) Keep writing though! I can't wait to see what happens between Yash and Kagome now that he's forgiven her. ~Amber
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Reviewed By: kokoronagomu [MediaMiner Member] On: July 03, 2008 02:20 CDT
Comment/Review:
hey, that POV wasn't so bad! i guess i don't exactly hate them just when i feel my mind is in a ping pong match or when the author repeats the same scene from eight different perspectives and is entirely too repetitious and redundant. you didn't do that, you made it interesting and it was well written. . . one wonders just how far the two went that her/his scent would have permeated (-interchange theory- every contact leaves a trace), intimate fluids would have intermixed, genital fluids and saliva. however everyone isn't a geek like me it wouldn't really matter. . . good story, sorry i'm such a kvetch but at least i review =] ~ thank you, ginny
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Reviewed By: kokoronagomu [MediaMiner Member] On: July 03, 2008 00:47 CDT
Comment/Review:
*nods* ooh.
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Reviewed By: kokoronagomu [MediaMiner Member] On: July 03, 2008 00:29 CDT
Comment/Review:
i don't know... i never sucked face with my best guy friend. we were buds, i was the sister or one of the guys. when i was crushing on another we didn't go there... i'm confused. . . keep the narration, i hate POV's. . . another thing, japanese never pluralize by adding 's'. the plural form of youkai is 'youkai'; hanyou is 'hanyou'; kimono is 'kimono'; miko is 'miko' etc. . . interesting even with the 'kissin best friends'.
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Reviewed By: AruKagiri [MediaMiner Member] On: July 02, 2008 17:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
Hey SC good chapter hope to see more soon....can't believe you didn't tell me you were posting the next chapter up already... keep writing.
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Reviewed By: hopelessromantic_16 [MediaMiner Member] On: February 17, 2008 14:10 CST
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
what the hell man kagome need to get her act together asap i feel so bad for inu she justs keep hurting him please update soon
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Reviewed By: Shikon baby JK [MediaMiner Member] On: November 23, 2007 14:48 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I love this story please finsh it. I want to see if she leaves that wolf and goes for Inuyasha. Or if she goes back to Kogua. I personally vote for Inuyasha.
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Reviewed By: Ethereal Siren [MediaMiner Member] On: November 01, 2007 22:47 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is definitely one of the more enjoyable AU/highshool fanfics. Please do continue and I will happily read!
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Reviewed By: hopelessromantic_16 [MediaMiner Member] On: November 01, 2007 19:28 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
wow poor kagome i can't believe kouga well i hope she finds out what is going on soon
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Reviewed By: hopelessromantic_16 [MediaMiner Member] On: October 06, 2007 20:59 CDT
Comment/Review:
wow i can't believe kouga could be so mean but then as usual inuyasha saved the day please update soon
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Reviewed By: hopelessromantic_16 [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 13:57 CDT
Comment/Review:
wow i can't believe kouga and inuyasha and i can't believe inuyasha forgot what happened last night
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Reviewed By: Precious [MediaMiner Member] On: October 05, 2007 07:41 CDT
Comment/Review:
I still like this story but I'm sorry to say this review isn't as positive as my first one. My first problem is the point of view. At first you have each character tell the story from their own POV but then in the next two chapters you completely toss out that narrative format. Was that on purpose? Okay next is the whole Koga angle. I'm not upset that she can't sort out her feelings. I'm confused because I didn't get the sense that she liked Koga that way. Was it part of the plot before or did you add it later? Now about Koga pushing her away, it's not supposed to make sense now but it will later. Right? He tells her they can't be together (for some reason unknown to us), is reluctant to show any physical affection (but still calls her his woman on occassion), then calls her a whore for "moving on". Either your master plan is very complex or I missed something in the chapters. I understand him being mad but to bring her out in front of everyone...I thought he was supposed to be her friend. And I'm not complaining, more like curious. The comments the bystandards make kinda seem to good to be true. No one has a bad thought and they don't think it's strange that they are cozy after years of bickering? The next part is easy enough to fix. There are a lot of errors. Simple to fix. Other than making it harder to read they aren't too bad, I think I figured out what you were trying to say...I hope. Oh and if you are going to change the ages that's fine but you might want to tweak the other chapters so that the new readers won't have to do unnecessary adjusting. There was something else I wanted to say but I forgot what it was...Well hopefully I'll remember later. Lastly the dress she wore. I don't know how it looks. Something is missing in the desription. It's like you were in the middle of typing something stopped and skipped to the next idea. Actually it happened a few times. Were you distracted while typing? And Sango's inner thoughts about the dress. Very uncreative on your part or it was one of those areas where the rest of the sentence was "skipped". I know this review is sort of a downer but I still do like the story over all. (I'm a sucker for romance.) I'm just trying to understand it better as well as help you improve the areas I can spot.
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Reviewed By: hopelessromantic_16 [MediaMiner Member] On: October 01, 2007 17:07 CDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
wow i can't believe inuyasha was so mean and that kouga just stopped talking to her well please update soon
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Title: Shikonbaby JK
Reviewed By: Shikon baby JK [MediaMiner Member] On: September 16, 2007 12:29 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I feel sorry for everyone who hasn't read this. I love how sly Kagome. Finally some one realise that wemon aren't just a pretty face. We most time can't be trust or another side acts for us. All these I see in this story. so keep writing and hurry and post another chapter. I know it's ganna be great.
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Reviewed By: Precious [MediaMiner Member] On: September 01, 2007 00:16 CDT
Comment/Review:
I'm not sure why no one has commented on this story yet. Or maybe it's just not showing up on my browser...This was a great first chapter. I hope it is an indicater of things to come. I expect the rest of your chapters to be as well written and thought out ( or better ) than this one. A few parts confused me but not to the point that I couldn't follow what was going on. Perhaps I read it to fast. I would say more but it is only the first chapter so I am unable to give you more. Good luck on the rest of the story I will be watching.
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