Reviewed By: X On: November 18, 2009 01:17 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 1 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 1 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 2 of 10
Overall Rating: 1 of 10 Comment/Review:
Okay, First, I have the oddest feeling that this review will cause some comment about flames to go on your story. However, this is not a flame. First, one thing that peeves me, and I feel needs addressing. A BMI is calculated using chiefly an individuals gender, height, and weight. A BMI under 18.5 is considered underweight. Not just slip, but underweight, as in unhealthy. A BMI from there to 24.9 is normal, healthy weight. A height of 4'9" and a weight of 48 pounds is a BMI of 10.4, which is horrendously underweight. Actually, if the person even managed to survive at that weight, they would be bedridden, and hooked up to tubes and IVs. 3'6" and 34 pounds is about 13.5 for a BMI. Still very bad, although a bit better. The individual would likely still be bedridden. Take note, if one were to double both of their weights, their BMIs would be 20.8 and 27.1 respectively. A bit high on the latter, but healthier than what she's at, and right in the middle of the healthy range for the former. This is not necessarily accurate- muscle weighs more than fat, so using just height and weight may compute a higher-than-actual BMI, if the person has more muscle. (In case you didn't know, a BMI is a Body Mass Index. Also, automail, being practically solid metal, would increase the weight drastically. Note, both are also extremely short for their age. Not just on the short side, but far below the average. For girls 14, 15, and 9 respectively, average height (being in the 50th percentile) is 5'3", 5'4", and 4'4.5". This is not as important, though- throughout my childhood, I was well above the average. Also, this would not affect their health. Note, however, that Ed, at 15, not counting his antenna-thing, is 5'4", so... Bare facts aside, I would also like to note that what you have so far isn't a story, it's just two character bios, and not very good ones. However, just from what you have, I can tell that, first, your story breaks canon in more ways than one. Second, both of your characters are incredibly sue-ish. Also, they are both rather similar to one of the Elric brothers- the older of your characters to Ed, the younger to Al. down to two automail limbs on the older, the older not letting the younger be a state alchemist, the older saving the younger, not having any parents, etc. Also, their personalities are rather contradictory. I quote, 'serious, funny', 'outgoing, ...careful', and ' adventurous, outgoing, troublesome, ...careful'. Besides that, it's also rather redundant- more than one of the adjectives you use are synonymous. Even in the few bare facts you gave, I found multiple spelling errors, and typeos. I wasn't even looking for them. In the background/history section (What you call 'other information'), you've just listed the facts. Why didn't you write a story out of it? Even a few random snippets of aspects from their past would be better than what you have. The 'story' is also rather cliche. I'd point out each part, but, well, it's past one ante-meridian here. All of the above aside, with some editing and continuation, this could be a good story. With a lot of effort, you could even make it great. PS. No, I am not afraid to log in to leave a review, as some may claim. However, I am lazy- I don't have an account, and at the moment, have no inclination to make one. Post scripts are below. PPS. Also, I'm not saying my work is any better. However, work like this which is simply daydreaming, I don't publish- for a reason. And due to the late hour, I likely mad spelling or grammar errors in this review. PPPS. If you want to yell at me, insult me, or if you wish for any additional assistance, I can be reached at 'duel_girl@hotmail.com'. However, use a distinct title, or I'll just send it to the junk box- I get quite a bit of junk mail. Also, wow. I'm down to 20 characters left. That means I used, what? 3980 characters? Wow. Just... Wow. Sorry, I'm tired enough I find that amusing/amazing. Heheh.
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