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| "A VERY SHORT PASSION ROMANCE" Reviews/Comments [ 4 ] | Reviewed By: Phillie On: March 26, 2004 20:50 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 2 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 4 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Honestly, your writing needs improvement, both in s&m (spelling&grammar, not sado&maso), and your style of writing is just too plain, too simple to to truly capture the interest of the reader. Also, it would help if you tried to give a little more "hows" and "whys" such a "non-canon" couple ended up together, the readers expect you to go a bit more into details about this sort of things, you can't take... uhm, let's say Shun and Marin and make them fall in love out of the blue (yuck, what an example I picked!), it is true that this is fanfiction and you can do as you like, but then you can't always expect to be praised for it. The low vote in originality is not due, however, to the couple you chose. On the contrary, I think it's a marvellous idea to try a Shaina/Milo pairing, they're both fiery-tempered and I think they could get along well! The low originality comes from the way they interact, and the way too easy expedient of having him "cure" her of a previous love disappointment. I also have to say that the sex scenes are very crude and not at all romantic. I don't mind lemon at all, in fact I enjoy lemons, even hard ones, but what you wrote is a description of sexual mechanics, not a lemon. What I'm saying is, there is no emotional content in their love-making, only carnal pleasure, and not very well described either. Of course no one wants tons of sugar, but at least some!!! Another advice is to use a dictionary, both for spelling and for the true meanings of words. You said you dedicate this fic to all the people who like "those platonic couples". Now, unless you meant it as a joke, I can assure you that platonic means that the two people in question never ever touch each other. Platonic means something purely intellectual and sentimental, and has little if anything to do with sex, while the two in your fics honestly didn't seem so inhibited. Finally, try to consider sexuality of the average woman with a bit more realism: I don't know if you ever had sex or not, but I think that a woman would hardly let a man go down on her the first time they sleep together. It's a very personal and intimate thing, even more that the act of penetration, and I think a woman, if she even liked that sort of contact, would have to feel secure in a relationship before engaging in that. Of course, things change if you are describing an act that is purely sexual, without any sort of emotion, just for carnal pleasure and possibly involving two people with some solid experience behind them, but Shaina is a teenager who has spent her life in Sanctuary, do you think she would have so much experience? With all this said, I want to encourage you not to stop writing. I might be wrong, but I get the idea that you are quite young and have years and years ahead to improve. Try to read more, both original works and fanfictions, and don't be afraid to ask for someone's help. Though t.'s review was quite hard, he/she is right in saying that a proof-reader would help you through the parts you have difficulty with. Phew, did you fall asleep yet? I sure talked a lot, but I hope you can find my comments helpful. So long, and don't stop writing!
| Reviewed By: t. On: April 17, 2003 06:48 CDT
Comment/Review:
To say that this fic is bad is the same as to say that Asgard is not entirely warmest place on Earth. No rating from me, since there are not negative digits on a scale. And is it really such a problem to check your story with a proofreader? | Reviewed By: the Hallowing-man On: August 19, 2002 09:06 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I loved it!!! Please write more!You had to of fuckin' crack open their skull and crawled inside to get the feel of this whole fuckin' story!I fuckin'loved it!It's total fuckin awsome! You are fuckin' talentent!!! Milo & Shina are mean to be sexualy toguether *lol* ^___________________________________^ | Reviewed By: Arrozconwandu(arrozconwandu@yahoo.com.mx) On: July 26, 2002 07:30 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 10 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
is about time some one wrote a NON-yaoi fics just like this(well it could be a NON-lemon too, if one want it)one. oh! well, at least is something(over nothing at all ¬_¬), to begin with.
i'm SICK @nd TIRED to see stupid Milo x Camus stuff YUCK!!!YUCK!!! >_____ |
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