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| "Chanirra" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: Rini Saiyan-jin [MediaMiner Member] On: January 03, 2008 14:14 CST
Comment/Review:
Chapter 9 and 10 developed well with the interaction between Undine and Chan as I enjoyed reading their banter. But I think the bantering is being overdone, but only borderline, so it's good to see some positive conversations between them. The story is coming along well.
| Reviewed By: Rini Saiyan-jin [MediaMiner Member] On: January 02, 2008 23:58 CST
Comment/Review:
Read all eight chapters, and it's good. Though, as you probably already know, it needs refinement and editing.Aside from some stuff that could be taken out, adding variety to their speech instead of repeating phrases (but not too much), and adding more details would also be good. Can't say much on grammar since I'm not critical enough in that area, except for few very obvious grammatical errors, but they're rare. I'm enjoying how the story is developing, so it's really good. =D I would like to see the rest of the story.
| Reviewed By: Rob Benson [MediaMiner Member] On: December 23, 2007 19:01 CST
Comment/Review:
I was very pleased by your style of revealing plot points; it's something I'm not quite that good at. I've only read chapters one and two and have yet to grasp the overall setting, I'm assuming fantasy medieval but not much was ever revealed about the surrounding locations/countries/races. And although the protagonist is portrayed as a mercenary as of chapter two action scenes are absent from the story thus far. Even letting the main character wail on a crony or two is a good way to show a potential reader what style of action they can expect. However all that is just preference; I know people who hate books that go off to comment on things about the world that have yet to effect plot, yet it's something I find vital to building the world in the mind of the reader. The only things that concerned me that I don't think is merely style difference is: 1. When two people talk for long amounts of time, you drop off their names to often, getting the reader lost on who's saying what. 2. The other thing is the talking with animals; the narrative mentions that animals are somewhat dull and single minded but their dialogue, although slightly dimmer than a person, doesn't quite live up to the emphasis in the narrative. It's a little too early to judge the characters themselves, especially since you went the route of gradual revelation, but they are the greatest variable in the equation of whether or not I like a story, so expect another review once I get a clearer idea. Keep on writing, you've snagged yourself at least one reader.
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