Title: Better sir
Reviewed By: barrs789 [MediaMiner Member] On: February 25, 2010 19:38 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
Much better with the OC my good sir. Arcese was more flawed than his predecessor Masato, thus a little more believable and a tad more likable. Your writing style has improved a little from The Masato Saga (not that it was poor before of course), the writing flowed a little better and, again, the Titled protagonist was better. Having said that, I must question a few things: First, the swiftness with which Ryoko and Tenchi got together (about 1000 words or so after the chapter in which Ryoko and Ayeka switch roles). I would have really liked you to have written a little more to lead up to it than you did. Perhaps that chapter/section could have showed not so subtly how they were growing closer together (I feel that the romantic jokes and that section should have been before they learned of Apex in the first place). After Ryoko and Tenchi had their moment (which would have been a great place to leave the section by the way), then the next section could have been the Ayeka section and afterward, segueing from the "ayeka's alright now" party, washu could have discovered the Apex blip. It's not my place to tell you how to write of course, but I thought the story would have flowed better that way. Secondly, you didn't really leave room for an Arcese/Sasami romance in the end (unless, of course, he was lying/deceiving himself in the end with the "platonic" comment). I would have liked to see something about Sasami's growing older (what would she be now physically, like 15 or 16?) Nothing vulgar of course, but something cute, you know? Lastly, arcese is actually gohan? Is that where all of this is going? a) he has short black spiky hair (so do plenty of anime guys, but stay with me here...) b) He's empathetic. Though he didn't have any superpowers in this area, Gohan was by far the most sensitive of all the saiyans, so he was quite empathetic in that sense... c) His power is tied to his emotions, especially anger. Gohan's power stems from his emotions, especially anger and sorrow (which turns to anger) d) His power began to degrade his body. In his first Super Saiyan 2 form, Gohan's power ravaged him and, after finally defeating Cell, he collapsed into a near-fatal exhaustion. e) They are both terrible with women. No more need be said there f) He's the nicest guy in the group (much like Gohan, with perhaps the exception being his father) Maybe I'm stretching that a bit, but still...especially with the "arbitrary" power levels in the end. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it just caught my attention... Like I said, it was quite good sir. I look forward to reading the final piece
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