Reviewed By: martianbunny [MediaMiner Member] On: July 10, 2010 08:38 CDT
Comment/Review:
Your fan fictions are raw. I read both that you have posted and they both have potential. However, it is confusing and does not read very well. I like the ideas you have and the plots you have for both this story and the Naruto story, but these stories seem to need a bit of help. One of the first things to do in the YuYu Hakusho story is to clearly define dialogue. I have no idea when any dialogue is taking place or if it is just a retelling of dialogue that happened in the past. For both stories, establish a clear and concise time line before you redo the stories. Where is Yusuke at the beginning of the story? When does Kurama come over? When does Kurama first kiss Yusuke; is it after he walks in the door or is it after they have been in Yusuke's apartment a while. When does Botan come in? What physical time is it in the story? Some people have such great ideas, like you, but they just spew them out on the screen and let the ideas control them. You have to learn to tame your ideas, or also called your muses. With the Naruto story, you just put an idea out there and do not develop it very well. I loved the sex spell that made Naruto lust after Itachi so much so that it drives him to mental instability and finally to a sad sleeping sex slave to Itachi until Sasuke breaks him out of the spell. I love the multiple ideas that are in that story! I don't usual even like to watch much Naruto (I am vaguely familiar with the characters) but the ideas here just impressed me. However, they felt like you flung them on the screen instead of crafted them into a story. You should make time lines, have steady dialogue, and lengthen it in general, and you will have a top notch story. As it is now, it is a patchwork. But I hope this review will help you slightly. I love writing but it can be painful when you receive a harsh review and this review isn't all praise, so please don't be discouraged. Every writer has to start somewhere. I wish you luck! If you want to email me, my email is martianbunny@gmail.com. I am more than willing to listen or help you or beta for you or even if you just want to vent. I would love it if you let me help you some. I just wish you the best and hope you don't take offense to this review but see it as one writer helping another writer out!
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