Title: Good so far, keep at it!
Reviewed By: Psychosis [MediaMiner Member] On: September 09, 2008 20:06 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 8 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
The story has an interesting concept and plot so far. It's been labeled as a "One Shot" but there is no ending to the story yet, or at least it doesn't feel like it ended. I'm guessing you decided to turn it into a full-blown story. You should change the one shot to something else so people don't get confused like me :P. Well like I was saying it's interesting and grabs your attention in the beginning. It desperately needs some editing though, there is a lot of spelling / grammatical mistakes but I didn't rate you down to far since it hasn't been edited yet. I think the story needs some more spice when it comes to the general things though. Calling people specific names like firestorm, and hurricane relative to their powers is great but you could be a little more creative. Try thinking of mythological stuff for instance, it might help. Quick example is a Phoenix (mythological firebird). Just simple things that can make your characters more interesting, whether or not you like the idea / willing to change stuff is totally up to you. Nothings wrong with their names right now, it's just a little bland is all. As I was reading I noticed the story line jumped around a few times. There was instances where you started a paragraph "A week later..." or "Three weeks later..." etc... Those are good points to start new chapters to kind of give your story more flow. You might want to consider breaking this chapter down into two or three. I think the last thing I could tell you to work on is story planning. It looks like your writing on the go, which is fine, but take a minute to stop and think for a minute about how one event effects another. For instance there was a part in the story where you said a bullet passed clean through hurricanes leg. That's a good line but the next ones weren't coherent with it. Hurricane coughed up blood (Reality speaking, you don't cough up blood from a leg hit. I know it's a fantasy story but medical stuff is kind of relative in all situations. Shortly after he cough's up blood there is a scene where spark is trying to remove the bullet from his leg however you mentioned the bullet passed right through it. Those two events are implausible cause both say different things happened with the bullet. All in all, it's an interesting story so far. It jumps around a lot near the end but still keeps you reading. Keep an eye on events in your story and do a little planning ahead so you don't catch yourself off guard writing incoherently. I have little experience writing in the "3rd person" so I can't really help as much as I'd like to. I often write in the first person so I can relay thoughts and imagery from a single point of view of a character within the story. I'm guessing your relatively new to writing which isn't a bad thing, your pretty good from what I can see dialogue and characterization wise. Just work on event organization, editing, and try to be a little more in depth while keeping a consistent flow. Avoid things like "A week later…" etc… if at all possible, even if it means starting a new chapter. If you start a new chapter people will be aware that time has passed even without you saying so. Looking forward to your updates. Thanks for your review on my "One Shot". I decided to turn it into a short chapter story, probably in the neighborhood of 5-10 chapters. I got a plot that is totally different from "Twilight". I'd never heard of the series till now and I read a little about it. I want to remain as unique as possible with it. Please feel free to give me your honest opinion and suggestions. I thank you for your kind review but all 10's isn't necessary :P! I'm sure there are things you'd like to see improved or events done differently. Just be honest!
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