Reviewed By: Kawa-Misuterii [MediaMiner Member] On: January 23, 2010 12:46 CST
Comment/Review:
Hey there. Couple things. First, I don't want to sound like an asshole, but if this isn't a fanfiction, why are you posting on a fanfiction site? There's a place in the mediaminer setup when you first turn things in when you can specify whether your work is a fanfiction or an original story. You probably didn't know that, no biggie. Beyond that, this story has a pretty interesting premise, but you've got some pretty common mistakes going on. First of all, you do a lot of telling the reader what's going on in the main characters life, when really you should be trying to show us. So her mother is overprotective and nosey. Instead of just stating that, give a description of what her mother does, and how that makes the main character feel, what she thinks about that. Another problem is your description of the kidnapping itself. The drug-addicted friend is a fantastic plot twist, and what's more, very believeable. But the way you had the main character describe the kidnapper is where it went bad. I've never been kidnapped, and I highly doubt you have, but it must be a terrifying experience. When your life is in danger and your adrenaline is pumping at a mile a minute, your not going to be thinking about how cute your capturer is. In fact, I don't think most people would have any room for thought other than hyperventilating and sheer terror. Am I right in assuming this story is about Stockholm syndrome? If it is, that particular disorder is developed over a long period of time, when hostags begin to identify with the people who are holding them captive. It would be interesting if, after being kidnapped, a twisted relationship developed between the deep, thoughtful main character and the disturbed yet handsome abductor. But when you gush about her immediate attraction to him, it seems like you're moving too fast, as well as making the main character seem incredibly shallow. Last thing, you've got some hardcore run-on sentences going on here. When one sentence lasts an entire 9-line paragraph, you're doing something wrong. Hope you didn't take offence than that, I think you and this story have some potential.
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