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| "Western Kai Reborn" Reviews/Comments [ 4 ] | Reviewed By: Vimesy [MediaMiner Member] On: December 07, 2009 03:54 CST
Comment/Review:
[insert long, drawn out, girly queals of excitement] The improvements in the last two drafts are amazing! Vestia is shaping up nicely, as is the Trunks/Goten relationship! I dont think I've told you this, but I really like that so much time has been spent on the kids. Ok, ok, I'm off on chappy four!
| Title: chapter 3
Reviewed By: Vimesy [MediaMiner Member] On: December 06, 2009 00:41 CST
Comment/Review:
Ah, the plot thickens! Leave the rape stuff in there; as disgusting a thing as it is, it'll really add to her character. I like how similar she is to Vegeta. There's alot of detail that you could go into that you just skip over. Like, what is Trunks' reaction to the 'get off' scene, what is Vestia's reaction to Trunks and Goten that isnt dialogue driven? This is prose, not a script, feel free to loosen up on the description.
| Title: chapter 2
Reviewed By: Vimesy [MediaMiner Member] On: December 06, 2009 00:30 CST
Comment/Review:
There are some holes in Vestia's back story. I love the dynamics of the B/V relationship, I think you could flush out some of the details there as well. The old woman is an interesting, if minor character - you have a lot of room to play with her that I dont think you're utilizing. Also, if the problem was so minor, why did Vegeta think he needed to come? Whats he so wary of? Obviously there will be a long, drawn out battle later, but for now...bait the reader in slowly, build up on your plot with details and hints, but nothing too outright.
| Reviewed By: Vimesy [MediaMiner Member] On: December 06, 2009 00:19 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
This is mostly dialogue driven - try flushing out the details. What does the planet look like, why is Bulma's ship special, why is Goten tagging along? Vegeta's characterization is good,but try playing with Bulma a little more. The timeline seemed a little kinked, since they got the message right before the Kia was supposed to be born, but they're obviously showing up after she's aged somewhat. Overall, there's a lot of potential. Lets keep going.
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