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| "Slave and master" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Title: A feelgood story
Reviewed By: IMSURE [MediaMiner Member] On: May 13, 2013 20:55 EDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 3 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
I won't go into the spelling and grammatical mistakes, as the other reviewers have covered them. What I found most jarring was the changes in the slave's name. If Mike called her Candice or Candis to start with, then sometimes used 'Candy' as a pet form it would make sense. But he says he is naming her Candy because she's sweet, so the other names just look like the author has forgotten. On the plus side, I like the feelgood and moral tone of this story, and found Mike and Candy very likable. I think the best chapter was Safte [Safety] where the slave trader got his just desserts. | Title: Chapter Two Review
Reviewed By: Xeshitha [MediaMiner Member] On: February 06, 2011 15:30 EST
Comment/Review:
I didn't like the first chapter at all, really. But I'll give it a chance and read on... ----He smiled as he broke the kiss. Pushing her body back from his "You tasted even better than I had imagined, but I'm afraid that I might break you, if I were to take your pleasure right away." He knew that she wasn't fed much, and thought it cruel for such an innocent creature to starve just to fill a greedy old man's purse. ((In reality, this man wouldn't give a damn, judging from how you make his personality. He smirks at the thought of a slave, he's territorial - as implied in the first chapter at the first paragraph, and seems to be that of a cruel person. This thinking the old man is cruel to make her starve contradicts that completely. Either, he's nice, or he's mean. If he's nice, this can be kept, but then you need to make his gentle personality more obvious in chapter one, because in chapter one, he comes off as a villain. If he's not nice, this needs to be removed. Or, he can think it's cruel but not hate it at all, and not pay any mind to it.)) The slave's eyes looked at him and then back at the floor. ((Slaves are not supposed to look at their masters at all. They are supposed to keep their heads lowered to their masters at all times, to show that the master is more superior over them. Her looking up also shows she not that miserable or too broken. If she was miserable and broken, etc, she wouldn't give a damn and just keep her eyes down ---Though this contradicts what had been suggested in my review on chapter one, about her looking into his eyes.)) Quickly Mike caught her in his strong arms, and lifted her up. He carried her into the dining room and placed her next to the head of the table. He then lowered himself into the chair at the head of the table and looked upon her with a knowing smile. ((You need to describe the rooms, the colours, the smell of the house, the space, etc,)) "Now...I have to name you don't I" ((this should have a question mark)) The quick movement startled her, but as she felt the soft touch of his lips and tongue against her skin, it calmed her. ((In reality, she wouldn't feel calmed, she would be alarmed and freaked - creeped out. She would hate the life of slavery of course, and be disgusted by the things done to her and things she's had to do. No matter what kind of mary-sue he is, she'd hate it. And her name is a bit... eh, something a kid would name her, maybe? This master seems a bit, again, villain type, but that formal kind, who is serious. Him naming her Candy kind of destroys that and just makes him seem silly... Then I see that it's Canadice. Why didn't he say Canadice, then? Or did he, and I just missed it? Oh, and slaves aren't exactly addressed with names, as Dimitri does. Not unless the master were to request it or something. You still have grammar errors. This story isn't picking up all too much, but it's getting a bit more interesting. Canadice is a bit dull and dead, and I don't blame her. You should show a bit more of her emotions, though.)) | Title: Chapter One Review
Reviewed By: Xeshitha [MediaMiner Member] On: February 06, 2011 15:17 EST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 4 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 3 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Ello. Random reviewer, yep. I'm just looking at stories here, because I know people on this site need a lot of help, and scarcely do they get reviews or even comments. And, I'm going to have to take on a weird way of reviewing, since this site makes reviews a huge block even if I skip lines. So here goes. ----- Grammar: "Mikes fine black hair" it should be, "Mikes fine black hair "... The apostrophe shows ownership. Just "Mikes" would be more than one Mike.---- "Now remember" the old man said, (it should be this) "Now, remember," the old man said, (((whenever there is "said" the dialogue before or after ends with a comma))). "Yes sir" She said looking down at her shoes. (("said" gets old quickly. And the dialogue should be this: "Yes, sir,")) "There's a Mr. Locke, here to see you" The servant said "Good, thank-you...you may go back to your duties" Mike said heading to the doorway with a sac of coins in his hand. Slowly he walked down the stairs to greet his new toy. ((Every character should have their own paragraph. When they're talking, it's a new line - there cannot be dialogue of two characters in the same paragraph. It will confuse readers, not just me.)) "Her beauty resembled that of a dolls," ((again, apostrophe needed, or removed the "a")) ......Now, your grammar is not the best. Grammar, as one friend had told me, has a lot to do with one's writing. This chapter also skips POVs WAY, WAY too much. It's too pieced out. It would be annoying to readers. It wasn't to me, but I know it will be to others. I've read plenty of stories and comments enough to know how people react... You either pick the master or the slave to tell the story from in this chapter. I would suggest the slave. That way, you can describe the master once she sees him. Then, have her look in his eyes or something. She'll see her reflection. You can describe her innocent look there. Randomly throwing in descriptions for characters does not work. No one cares how a character looks in the utter beginning. You get their personality down first with little tidbits of their features/looks. And your start was not all too interesting, it was really boring. There is that annoying quote, "Don't judge a book by its cover", well, people do, and they judge it by the very first sentence, too. That first sentence is a sentence that would make some people want to stop reading. When they get a negative view on the first sentence, they begin to look for more errors. They need to love the first sentence and be pulled in. |
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