Title: Needs some work
Reviewed By: BoxingBunny [MediaMiner Member] On: February 02, 2011 08:09 EST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 5 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 3 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
Firstly, please don't think that this is a flame. It's more along the lines of extreme constructive criticism. I think that your story has potential, but the way that it's written right now is a huge turn off. These are a few things that I think you should probably work on to improve your writing style. (1) When "I" stands alone, it is ALWAYS capitalized. (2) Know the difference between There, They're, and Their. There: referencing a place, They're: contraction of They Are, Their: plural possessive for a group. (3) Know the difference between Apart and A Part. Apart: to be separated from something, A Part: to be included in a group, organization, activity, etc. (4) Know the difference between Know and No. Know: to have knowledge of something, No: a word used to express dissent, denial, or refusal. (5) "A Lot" is always two words. (6) Remember to use correct punctuation. (7) Numbers from 1000 and below (with the exception of years on occasion) are generally spelled out. (8) It would help clarify for the reader if you mentioned at the beginning of the story whether or not it was AU (I couldn't tell). (9) You may want to try to keep to one point of view unless specifying otherwise. At one point you switched from narrative to first person and back for no apparent reason. (10) Know the difference between Hole and Whole. Hole: an opening or perforation, Whole: complete. The only thing left on my mind is just a question about the time line. You mention in the story that the current year is 2011 and that Kagome has been an immortal for a little more than 250 years. In the series of Inuyasha, Kagome traveled 500 years into the past. My question is how did Kagome survive the 250 or so years leading up to her becoming an immortal? I encourage you to please continue your story because I would like to know what happens next. Also, please don't take my words to mean that I think you're a bad writer, there are just some things that could be improved upon. And isn't that why we're all here? To write and get critiqued so that we can improve? I hope to see another chapter from you soon :) Love, BB |
