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| "I think I love you" Reviews/Comments [ 6 ] | Title: love it :)
Reviewed By: stormy7 On: October 24, 2012 21:08 EDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 10 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
I really love your writing in this one. I hope to read a lot more of it....finally a reason to keep checking this site :) | Reviewed By: . On: October 22, 2012 13:52 EDT
Rating(s):Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
I'm too lazy to sign in but its Cicera. I like the idea for this story a lot. Though I do agree with SplendentGoddess and that more background info on their past woulda been great in the opening. Unless you intend to write that in later. I also think you should check the grammar of sentences I noticed just a few wrong words. I hope you continue writing you have a great start for a good story here. Can't wait to read more :) | Title: Cool concept
Reviewed By: J Luc Pitard [MediaMiner Member] On: August 16, 2011 14:56 EDT
Comment/Review:
I like the way you build up the creep factor for Naraku. Nicely done. | Title: Good
Reviewed By: Wigi000 On: August 15, 2011 11:27 EDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
I liked it, keep going! | Reviewed By: xFinalActsGirlx On: August 08, 2011 23:46 EDT
Comment/Review:
I agree with SplendentGoddess, Kagome's age is...a little weird to say the least. Like she said fifteen would be better,I actually have a real problem with Kagome being only thirteen here and having no knowledge of sex or even kissing, but that goes into a more personal issue. I still really like the plot. ^.^ | Reviewed By: SplendentGoddess [MediaMiner Member] On: August 08, 2011 13:20 EDT
Comment/Review:
Hmmm...I like the idea of the 'best friends' nervously crossing the line into being 'more than friends', though I wish there had been more back-story so we could see how they got up to that point. I'm also curious as to why you decided to make Kagome only thirteen when she's fifteen in the Canon. In every single story I've read over the years, if the author bothers changing her age at all, they always make her older, which is presumably done to make the story more socially acceptable. Thirteen is probably pushing it for most people's comfort level, though assuming this still takes place in Japan I think you can get away with it legally since that technically is the default age of consent outside of localized regions that have higher age limits in place that supersede the younger age limit. I believe within the district limits of Tokyo the age of consent without guardian permission is seventeen, but I'm not certain on that. Other than that bizarre and unwarranted alteration on Kagome's part, structurally, there were some wrong-word uses I noticed, and it's a little disconcerting that they were saying they 'think' they love each other yet Inuyasha bonded them together for all eternity, though fundamentally I do like the concept of the awkward teenage best friends experimenting with each other sexually. I would recommend, at the very least, that you make Kagome fifteen like Inuyasha before somebody complains, but if you want to leave the rest of the story as-is that is your prerogative. Personally, I would like to see more back-story leading up to the sex-scene, and perhaps a touch of a 'morning after' moment at the end, sans the bonding for life since they are clearly not ready emotionally to have made such a commitment. All in all I encourage you to keep writing. The underlying concept is a good one, and nobody's perfect right off the start. |
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