Reviewed By: Becca Stareyes [MediaMiner Member] On: April 07, 2004 23:21 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Well, first of all, this is a decent short short. The humor is right up my alley -- so often humor fics go for a low sort of humor that I just get sick of. However, I do have a few problems with the fic. The paragraphs are very short and choppy, so it kind of doens't flow. Beefing them up wiht more description would help. Second, Haruka seems a bit OOC -- true, she is very devoted to Michiu in the series, but she also seems pretty cold to strangers. And, during your fic, Michiru is a stranger. Why would she be feeling jealous about the waiter flirting with a person she just met? Third, may I ask what is up with the emoticons? If you want to do a scene break, somehting less flashy, like the traditional three asterisks would be better. Finally, it was just a passing thing, but Elsa isn't a very Japanese name -- the /l/ sound is pronouced the same way the /r/ sound is in Japanese, and two consonants do not appear together in a Japanese word, with the exception of n plus a consonant. It was a bit distracting, since I'm suddenly wondering why they have a foreigner there. Overall, I'd say you have a very good ability to pace a short-short, and I hope you keep doing these. Practice makes perfect.
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