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| "Escape" Reviews/Comments [ 2 ] | Reviewed By: vegetaslady12 [MediaMiner Member] On: June 19, 2003 23:19 CDT
Comment/Review:
question, why is it so short? Its good, but so far its kind of confussinf and well, kindof bare. Im not sure if your trying to wrtie a story, or are just printing an idea *scratches head nocfused.
I dont get it. Up date a little to fill us all in. | Reviewed By: OptiMoose [MediaMiner Member] On: October 07, 2002 09:42 CDT
Comment/Review:
Chapter one, how it really happened:
Jamie rolled in her bed, restless. It was 1:47 am already and she couldn't find sleep. TRunks was on her mind. Her boyfriend had pressed her to have sex with him, and the thought scared Jamie more than she liked to admit.
She loved him dearly and some part of her screamed to be one with him, to go all the way with him. But the other part of her, the part that whispered and nagged her to be patient, the part that cautioned her of the dangers of sex that she had heard about in school and from her friends, that part had won. So she had told Trunks, wonderful and sexy Trunks, that he should wait until she was ready. She wanted to be sure that her boyfriend was the right man. And TRunks loved her enough to treasure her wish, even if she could see that it was hard for him to wait.
Jamie got up to get herself a glass of milk from the fridge in the Brief's kitchen. She had been staying overnight at Trunks place, occupying one of the guest rooms.
"Hello Jamie."
The male voice sent chills down her spine. Vegeta, TRunk's father, had sneaked up on her and now stood directly behind her. She could feel the heat of his body through her nightshirt and wrapped her arms protectively around her chest. "Hello."
"Hungry, woman?"
The warmth of his breath on her neck made her want to scream and run away. 'Calm down. This is TRunks father. You're safe.'
"I... I couldn't sleep. I just wanted a glass of milk." She stiffed when the Saiyan squeezed past her. What did he think he was doing? She was scared half to death, unsure about what to make of the older man's behavior. "I better go."
She hurried upstairs, ignoring Vegeta's snicker, and locked herself up in her room. With the back to the door, Jamie took a deep breath and tried to relax. This would be a long night...
Jamie dreamt of being with TRunks. They were making out, and they were getting really hot. She loved it to turn on Trunks, enjoyed the hunger and in his eyes and the heat from his body. She pressed closer to him, enjoying every moment and touch, spreading her legs ever so slightly when her boyfriend rubbed her sensitive spots. It was good, she was getting more and more aroused by the second and felt the wetness running down her legs. She wanted more of this... With a moan, Jamie spread her legs, begging Trunks to...
She jerked to wakefulness with a scream when something huge pierced into her lower body like a lance, sending pain through her. She was laying on the bed, legs spread and something... someone was all over her... all in her. Someone was... raping her? Raping her! "No! Get off me!"
Jamie kicked and pushed, but she could get the man off her, no matter how hard she tried. "Let me go, bastard!"
"Shut up, woman. You're mine now."
Vegeta. The voice registered and her shock deepened. "Get off me!"
With a low chuckle, he kissed her tenderly while at the same time pinning her arms to the bed and continuing to push his penis into her. "Im afraid it's a little bit to late for your complaints now... you're my mate."
"Mate!" Jamie gasped, trying to ignore the increasing pain in her vagina and the nausea she felt. "I'm not your mate! Let go!"
He only laughed harder and increased his speed, hitting her deeper and deeper. Crying now, Jamie searched desperately for an escape. What would TRunks think of her now? Would he still love her? Trunks... Trunks! "TRunks! Help me!"
"He won't hear you, little woman. I sent him to the Gravitation Chamber for training." The Saiyan's amusement was almost too much to take.
"Please..." she cried. "Please don't..."
But Vegeta wouldn't listen to her pleas and begging, just continued to rape her, taking pleasure in her struggling and begging, in her tears and cries of pain. She lost count of time, seconds stretched to eternity as she was helplessly pinned under the sweating Saiyan who kissed her and told her to enjoy it. Jamie wanted to puke right into his face, wanted to kill him when he came inside her.
"Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?" he kissed her again.
Now, really... if you want to write a self-insertation where Vegat has already done the deep (aka made you his mate) then at least be aware that you would wake up, unless you were drugged. Also, depending on where you live, there are parents, neighbours, or the rest of the Briefs family who would react quite upset. Not to mention that Trunks will probably kill his father for this.
Again, watch your grammar, spelling and everything else. It wouldn't hurt if you spend a bit more effort on formatting and quality. I don't know how old you are, how experienced as a writer and everything else, but if you are writing NC-17 I expect you to deliver a better quality than this 12-year-old babbling.
And no, this isn't a flame. It's a comment of a really frustrated reader who'd love to see that story of yours improving. You have a brain, so use it. |
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