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| "Second Stringers" Reviews/Comments [ 11 ] | Title: anyone alive
Reviewed By: angel_highgloss On: May 02, 2008 12:58 CDT
Comment/Review:
I recently came across this bit of fiction, and love it. But is anyone still alive out there with theese, i need to know, i want more.....
| Reviewed By: lemonpop On: July 03, 2005 21:58 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 7 of 10 Comment/Review:
you go!
| Title: FFARG Ch3 cont
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: July 02, 2005 23:03 CDT
Comment/Review:
? If Aya knew this that would have made Ken and Yohji obsolete and just fangirl filler which is bad. It's also odd that if she'd known everything about them, why she hadn't just gone with the first one, her compliance after meeting Aya makes all the other resistance stupid and takes away from everything you put earlier. Everything about her in the Koneko makes her look, seem, and to the reader, *be* rather Marysue-ish. And without any description of what her relation is to Aya it's pointless to have her all over him and him out of character for her. Perhaps a memory or flash back as Aya went to pick her up. Over all I like how this story goes but you've got a lot of stuff that happens half way or three quarters of the way through that just makes everything else pointless.
| Title: FFARG ch3
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: July 02, 2005 23:03 CDT
Comment/Review:
"his borrowed Porsche", this sounds odd, (Plus it is not his Porsche) perhaps if you changed it to 'the Porsche he had borrowed from ___' I'm assuming he borrowed it from Aya? You don't delve much into what Ken is wearing that makes him look like a Nark, and you could do that better, maybe by having him curse that he hadn't anticipated for that and worn clothes appropriate. At any rate it looks like some pretty bad assassin-ship there to not be prepared for something like that. More description on either what the girl was doing to know everything about Ken, or more description of what Ken thought of that would be a good addition. I like your description of what Yohji was wearing and you could delve the same way into what everyone is wearing. If Ken knew that the target was slightly special don't you think he would have warned Yohji about her and how she seems to know what's going on in his head? "taller woman's head dipped down to the youngers" This sounds very, very odd and instead of using "youngers" you could use "the shorter girl's" for the same effect. Also there is nothing to say that a taller woman will be older than Yohji's say so description into it such as little things about her body that seem more matured. First off, about Aya having complete cooperation from the girl, and how he obviously had known her, why didn't he go first?
| Title: FFARG ch2
Reviewed By: SisiXIII [MediaMiner Member] On: June 20, 2005 16:36 CDT
Comment/Review:
Well first to make it easier to read you should double space between your paragraphs. It's just a format thing. "Fearless leader, never talking, stone statue, Mr. I-have-no-emotions," With this string of words you could replace them with a real sentence describing how Aya normally likes to portray himself, such as: "Even Aya, who took his place as fearless leader, who tried so very hard (and successfully) to come off as if he had no emotions" Your dialogue is sound and really very good. I have nothing but compliments on that end, but you do need to work on your description. Rather than using words like "Mr. I-have-no-emotions" and others you could fully describe not only how the character feels but also what the others think of them. It's just something to look into. Rather than full capitals for a word also you can italicize your words with a simple [ I = ] Word [ / I ] but without the spaces.
| Title: FFARG cont
Reviewed By: White_Winged_Atlantian [MediaMiner Member] On: June 12, 2005 15:18 CDT
Comment/Review:
Second part "Do you want to see my blender?" Because if anything else he hasn't seen the little girl in a long time and if I'm correct the blender is a new thing so she wouldn't know anything about the blender thing. Also, Irish accents are sort of hard to loose. If you're going to put people in with radical backgrounds such as Russian or Irish you should put in something about their accents or if they have them or not. "Nani?" Not everyone knows Japanese. It seems so very simple to just stick in 'nani?'-'what?' especially because Nagi is Japanese himself, but not everyone knows the language. Just bear this in mind. Also if you're going to work with things as deeply psychological as loosing one's self because of an absorbing ability you're going to need to explain yourself fully about it. Most people can just suspend his or her imagination but you shouldn't expect them to do that, also you should be prepared to describe the full effects of this on her in deep description of how she feels and thinks. At least that ought to be the easiest way.
| Title: FFARG
Reviewed By: White_Winged_Atlantian [MediaMiner Member] On: June 12, 2005 15:17 CDT
Comment/Review:
This is a 2 part review. Well first off, I love WeiB (Even if I don't know much about it) so good for you. Not all readers know that Nagi is calm, so simply putting "In his calm manner" isn't going to cut it. Plus that looks sort of off when you read it. Explaining more about what Nagi is like would serve you better. "Nagi actually voiced, emotion, with that question." This is completely awkward and I can sort of see what you may have been trying to do but it didn't work. This should at least be, "With actual emotion in his voice; Nagi stared questioningly at Crawford." Another thing is that contractions and pet names like "Shcu" shouldn't be used in Narration. The narrator doesn't have any kind of preference to nicknames. Typing out the numbers you use for ages is better than simply leaving it at an 8 or 13, because it makes you look as if you're trying harder. The numbers make it look a little bit sloppier. "Oh too smug" is very awkward. "Oh-so-smug" is better (And there should be dashes in between those) Again with almost all reviews, if you delve deeper into what your characters are thinking and feeling it will shed deeper light into the story and give it whole other dimension aside from just what is happening. "Wanna go play blender with me?" As far as I remember Farferello doesn't talk like this, a better wording would be
| Title: FFARG Review
Reviewed By: Pahhur(Not signed in) On: May 20, 2005 22:32 CDT
Comment/Review:
I just read the Prolouge like you asked. I have no knowledge whatsoever on the series, but based on your descriptions I got the gist of what was going on. Which is a good thing. You had a very dark method to the story, which was done very well. I would advise a little more focus on the person you are talking through, a.k.a the main character. What it seems like is a third person with the thoughts of the character oddly mixed in.
| Reviewed By: CC On: February 13, 2005 13:40 CST
Comment/Review:
Wow, I'm so happy you are coming back to this fic! I really love it. Please don't leave me hanging for long. Update soon!
| Reviewed By: diablo g On: December 17, 2002 00:40 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 6 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 5 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
i see that 3 is actually low. my bad. here is the revised scale. | Reviewed By: diablo g On: December 17, 2002 00:38 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 3 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 5 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 3 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 3 of 10
Overall Rating: 3 of 10 Comment/Review:
hopefully a one is highest and ten lowest on the scale. put 3's which is very good. only made it through the prologue but will be back for more. |
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