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| "Death" Reviews/Comments [ 3 ] | Reviewed By: Dezz [MediaMiner Member] On: January 29, 2002 00:53 CST
Comment/Review:
Your descriptions are really good in places but other times they get excessive or out of place.
"Nightmares that left him awake in a cold sweat with long black hair tangled about his body."
Here you are trying to say that he would wake up with his hair all tangled about him. However, you really shouldn't describe the hair itself in the sentence. You are trying to describe the state that he is in when he bolts awake, not the actual item that is confining him.
"The more poetic mercenaries compared his eyes to that of rubies so red were his eyes. Terrain on the other hand thought they were closer to the color of blood then rubies."
You mention the word 'eyes' twice in once sentence. Try to avoid doing this. The sentence could read something like:
"So red were his eyes, that some of the more poetic mercenaries compared them to rubies."
Also, the word "rubies" is not necessary in the next sentence. By saying "Terrain on the other hand thought his eyes were closer to the color of blood.", you imply that the color is closer than rubies since you mentioned it in the previous sentence.
Finally, your "rape" scene seems kind of forced. I assume that you're trying to get an emotional buildup which resolves with Terrain manifesting the wings, but there could have better motive to the attack imo. I don't find it very believable that a known merc would be targeted for sexual reasons even if he is young. Perhaps you should go into that, give the attacker more of a crazed, sexual nature or perhaps use another motive like theft.
It was a good fic. You've definitely only scratched the surface of this story and have left the door wide open for many possibilities. I'm especially curious as to how Terrain will develop as there is very little known about him at this time. Keep up the good work! | Reviewed By: Umi-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: November 30, 2001 15:54 CST
Comment/Review:
blah...teach me to mess around with HTML. I forgot to end the tag so it ended up in all Italics. Sorry about that. | Reviewed By: Umi-chan [MediaMiner Member] On: November 30, 2001 15:53 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 10 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Style of Writing:
I gave you a 7 because, quite frankly, it was difficult to read. There were a lot of extremely well-written parts, but just as many not-so-great ones. Here's a quote I especially liked:
"The wings were bat-like with white boned tips at the end, covered in iridescent black scales that shone in red hues when the light hit them. They looked eerily beautiful but utterly terrifying at the same time."
Things like that show you can write and write well, but the rest needs to fit together. Now don't take that quote and think you should write it all like that, because that would be tedious and difficult to read. I also felt you moved around very quickly. A one-page chapter isn't much, but if you do something with it it's a fine length. But you could definitely use more description of things other than characteristics about Terrain. Mainly his surroundings.
Spelling & Grammar:
Your grammar and spelling were fine other than some typos and misused words.
Originality/Creativity:
This is certainly new to me. But you need to help me out with knowing what you're talking about. I can't even say for sure where this takes place and what is going on.
Enjoyment Factor:
I couldn't enjoy something that confused me so much, so that explains the 8. But once I get to know what's going on, I'm sure I'll like it more.
Overall:
I didn't really like the name Terrain. I didn't like it because I kept thinking you were talking about the terrain as in the land. But don't change it or anything. I'll get used to it. Overall, this story was interesting, but a tad out there. |
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