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| "The New Girl" Reviews/Comments [ 5 ] | Reviewed By: waterpologirl [MediaMiner Member] On: April 20, 2006 12:15 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 4 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 1 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 3 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 6 of 10
Overall Rating: 4 of 10 Comment/Review:
Okay, I'll say what none of the other reviewers have said so far. THIS IS A MARY SUE You know, the flawless character who's perfect in every way? I mean, the summary alone shows the Sue-ness of this fic. "All the boys want to be with her" and "but she wants to be with SETO." And let's go through a short checklist, shall we? Deuls better than Joey? Check. Dances better than Téa? (Yes, it's spelled "Téa" - not "teai.") Check. Has Seto Kaiba (repeat after me: Kaiba, Kaiba, Kaiba. Please don't spell it "kiba") falling head over heels in love from the first moment he sees her? Check. The whole story centers around her? Check. I don't want to go into the whole description of what a Mary Sue is and how your character fits this description. Read the wikipedia article, google it, or check out some of the fanfiction.net forums. There actually is a forum on fanfiction.net that has writers submit their original characters and experienced authors tell you if they're a Mary Sue or not. Just go to fanfiction.net - forums - Yu-Gi-Oh. Bottom line; a new character does not just waltz in, degrade the other female characters with her beauty, and win over the man of her dreams. This is exactly what your character does. And as for the spelling........ When I write notes, I usually sign them, not sing them. I have no desire to stand up in front of a class and sing whatever I'm trying to say. I'm assuming that the characters in your story signed their notes instead of singing them. Grammar. For the love of god, learn the English language or don't write English stories at all. Names are capitalized, as are places like Domino High. For speech, use comma-space-quote-capital. (Ex: Yugi was approaching Domino High when he saw Téa and said, "How are you doing today?") Either learn how to spell and write correct grammar, get someone to do it for you, or as a last resort, get a decent spell check. Concerning the story, please try to keep everyone in character. Seto would not fall head over heels in love with some girl and kiss her on the hand the first time they met. Téa and Joey are good at DDR and dueling, respectively. And speaking of DDR, how the heck do you play with your hands and your feet? Just wondering...... Like Yami's Kitten, I also have an account at fanfiction.net (but under a different username from this one). Anyway, you can contact me if you have any questions about Mary Sues, grammar, and whatnot. ~waterpologirl
| Reviewed By: animegirl411 [MediaMiner Member] On: April 09, 2004 13:45 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
| Reviewed By: ruka On: March 26, 2004 10:41 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 3 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 7 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 7 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
it was great! we need more non yaoi seto fics!
| Reviewed By: fangirlofiunyasha On: December 29, 2003 21:29 CST
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 10 of 10
Comment/Review:
| Reviewed By: Yami's Kitten On: April 13, 2003 14:15 CDT
Rating(s):Spelling & Grammar: 4 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 7 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 8 of 10
Overall Rating: 8 of 10 Comment/Review:
Hi this is a pretty great story and I really enjoyed your lemon chapter. I am also registered on fanficton.net and I have three yugioh fan fics which one has a lemon but i rated that R. Anyway you did have some spelling errors and I kinda got confused about who was talking. You should try quotation marks around who ever is talking. But all in all the story was good. Keep going. If you want to e-mail me, its YamisKitten07@aol.com and keep writing! |
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