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| "Silver Haired Lover" Reviews/Comments [ 7 ] | Title: yeah, well...
Reviewed By: sordid [MediaMiner Member] On: March 04, 2006 20:21 CST
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 7 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 5 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 6 of 10
Overall Rating: 6 of 10 Comment/Review:
Well. There's a lot of work to be done here. I personally can't say anything about the series, because I've never seen NGE, however, it was kind of...yeah.... You seriously need to slow down. This is by far the shortest lemon I've ever read. It was so rushed I was confused. Shinji's poor anal sphincter!!
| Reviewed By: Clayahken (Not logged in) On: August 20, 2004 17:49 CDT
Rating(s):Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 10 of 10 Comment/Review:
Give it more athmousphere(sp?) and detail. Take your time. I say that from what i have read before. It was very good, since it was a Kaworu and Shinji fic. Don't take offense to this because i don't think mine will be that good when i get to it in my stories... If i can get the lines off of it first. No matter how many books you read on it... I love Kaworu he's soo HOT!!! I wish you luck with other lemons.
| Title: Sapadu
Reviewed By: Sapadu [MediaMiner Member] On: May 30, 2004 04:01 CDT
Comment/Review:
*blinks* kinna short for a lemon, but that's PERFECTLY alright with ME! And if it's kxs, it's all good.
| Reviewed By: animekid On: August 13, 2003 23:45 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 9 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 9 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
O_o This was the shortest lemon I have ever read! But it was interesting! But I think Shinji would be hurt the next day >_ | Reviewed By: Sweetdeily [MediaMiner Member] On: July 26, 2003 01:45 CDT
Comment/Review:
As I am against giving negative feedback (it's never easy to swallow even for the more advanced of us) I will not give negative feedback, I will simply state a few obvious points:
I) You've done well,*winces* but detail won't kill a fiction, like the other two reviews stated, setting the scene, color, hell, even reasoning makes for easier reading and MUCH better responses.
II) I realize how obvious it is that this was your first ever fanfiction (and if not, perhaps you should have read books and other fictions before starting on your own, just for the expierence) and I am loathe to insult firsts (I've been there, done that) but you could have done better, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much better.
III) Pointing out the obvious is not going to help you, but still... you have the raw talent to become good at fanfic writing, harness it, make some yaoi friends online and run stories by them, visit 'bad fanfic! No biscuit!' and sites similiar to that for pointers on what NOT to do, visit archives like 'Noir Sensus' to see really good authors.
IIII) Don't be discouraged, I'm sure revamping and getting a Beta would seriously improve this ficcie, personally, I would love to see it improved, not simply scrapped as 'bad'.
I am sorry, but you could have done better. | Reviewed By: firedryad [MediaMiner Member] On: July 25, 2003 15:08 CDT
Comment/Review:
*looks at the first review* well, i do have some objections to that review... and in some cases i agree... like the whole last part(note:i didnt read that whole review) though i guess it didnt really matter, it is anime and a fan fic too, so who cares if they end up in the hospital because shinji and kaworu were screwing? whatever the author says goes.
anyways, back to the fic. its... short. very short. and yes i no that its a pwp, but the rate at which it progressed to the lemon was almost alarming. id suggest making it more detailed next time? i think the penetration should be able to last longer than two short paragraphs... you wrote what shinji and kaworu do alright, just maybe a bit more emphasis on what they thought to go along... *looks at ur fics* ah, u write digimon? i think ill go read those, anything digimon rocks.
chara | Reviewed By: El Chupacabras [MediaMiner Member] On: May 10, 2003 20:17 CDT
Comment/Review:
[Author's Notes: This is my first Evangelion fic, and it's a yaoi (Shinji/Kaworu) lemon. If you don't like, don't read. If you do like, review please]
I do like NGE and I do like Kaworu/Shinji lemons. Is that enough to be allowed to review?
There were several thingd that were really... um... let's say unusual about this fic. What I'll write next will be meant as creative critism. I know that from time tio time I piss people off by giveing creative critism. I've been accused on actually flaming several time, though that has never been my intend. I just want to help writers to improve themselfes. Please take no offence in anything I write because it's not meant that way.
So I'll just speak freely about what I think about this fiction, if you don't want to know don't read.
Ok, with that said: let's get started.
To tell you the truth this fic was really far from being good. I've read worse fictions, but to write really bad fictions is not really an art to start with. I wouldn't really say this fic was bad, though. It simply was not good.
I'll go through the fic and tell you what I think:
[~~His eyes are so enticing~~]
Huh? Who's eyes are so enticing? The way you wrote it it reads a bit like the name of a chapter. Other than that it's a bit out of place, especially since the reader doesn't get to know who's eyes are so enticing.
[Shinji had fallen for the boy. He didn't know how to tell him, but he'd have to do it quickly, Kaworu was leaving in a few days.]
Ok, you set this in an AU. For some reason Shinji knows Kaworu has to go away in a few days. Where does he have to go and how does Shinji know about it? This is not really crucial in this story because it's a PWP, but it still doesn't read very well.
[He walked into his apartment, and went directly into his bedroom, where he would be immediately shocked. Kaworu was sitting on his bed! Shinji was about to scream loudly, but Kaworu silenced him by pressing his finger to the other boy's lips.]
Maybe you should've elaborated on the background a little more. Where's Shinji? What has he been doing before he went home? Is he still living at Katsuragi's btw? Since you've been talking about kaworu before, you should've said that Shinji was walking into his own apartment and bedroom, it was really confusing. And why went he directly into his bedroom? The way you put it it sounds like he has a special reason to go there.
Kaworu must be REALLY quick when he's fast enough to get off the bed and prevent Shinji from screaming. This scene is really unrealistical.
[He whispered into Shinji's ear, "Is there something you want to tell me? I can tell that there is, because you've been trying to avoid me." His voice sounding hypnotistic, yet sweet.]
Wow. Just WOW. The boy has REALLY bad manners! Hell if I'd find somebody in my bedroom, who sits on the bed, jumps off it (with super-human speed) the moment I enter to silence me and the first thing he sais to me after scarring the hell out of me was "Is there something you want to tell me?" I'd kick his sorry ass all the way to Japan and back. Maybe Kaworu should have said something soothing instead. I'll give it a try:
//Shinji stared at him wide-eyed as Kaworu soothingly whispered into his ear "Shhh... it's alright. It's just me, don't be scared". Shinji took a step backwards and stubornly replied "I'm not scarred!".
"But why have you been avoiding me?" Kaworu asked, still whispering, his voice and warm as it's always been. "Is there something you want to tell me?"//
Take your time with things like this. Don't rush it you have time :)
[Shinji faltered for an answer. "Well.. uh, yeah. I'll miss you when you leave."
Kaworu promptly replied, "Is that all? I believe there's something else too."
The brown haired boy knew that Kaworu knew what he wanted to say. "Well, I've been developing feelings for you. Feelings of lo-"]
Ok take a good look ar the dialog again and think about Shinji if he'd really put it like that. No he wouldn't. It would be nice to involve mimics and things like this in the dialog parts, btw.
[Kaworu's lips stopped Shinji's words, as he silenced the boy. Shinji eased himself into the kiss, and shortly after, there tongues were dancing unrhythmatically, yet perfectly synched.
Kaworu gasped, "How far do you want this to go?"
Shinji replied, "As far as you want."]
Both you and Kaworu are absolutely rushing things in this fic. Not good. Give me a try:
//Did Kaworu know what he was about to say? Shinji didn't know what to do or how to explain what he felt for the other boy.
His head bowed he replied "you see... I... I have feelings for you" Squeezing his eyes shut he waited for Kaworu react.
After a long moment of silence Shinji hesitantly opened his eyes and raised his head. He found Kaworu's face right in front of his. His eyes were directly looking into his own. It was as if Kaworu could see everything and did understand everything.
Then Kaworu closed his eyes and tenderly kissed him. Shinji was too starteled to react. After one feather light kiss kaworu opened his eyes again and looked into Shinjis eyes as he slowly pulled away.
But before he even knew what happened he found Shinji's arms around his neck and Shinji was kissing him. //
The question how far this is supposed to go is misplaced. You could've made Kaworu hesitant before penetrating Shinji, but there' something else about that to be said, too, so I'll leave it until than. Don't be mad at me, but the way it is right now it sounds simply stupid.
[That said, Kaworu slowly unbuttoned Shinji's shirt, and broke their lips apart. He traced his finger down Shinji's chest, and stopped when he reached the cuff of the other boy's pants. This meant that he wanted Shinji to removed his own pants.]
They do have some sort of appointment so that they don't have any time, right? So they exchance one kiss and emidiately start removing their clothes?! Not very likely...
[Shinji unbuckled his belt and removed it slowly. He unclasped the button of his trousers, and stopped momentarily. He then unzipped them even more slowly. He did not removed them yet, as he removed Kaworu's shirt and pants, leaving him nearly naked. It was at this point that Shinji jumped out of his pants and embraced the other boy sensually. He bobbed his head down slightly, and suckled the silver haired boy's nipple lightly, biting it softly when he change to the other.]
A relative huge üart og this story is describing how they remove their clothes. Why?
But let's go back to the "what they already did"-list:
1. Kiss
2. removing cothes
3. Shinji sucked kaworu's nipples.
Well, somehow there's something missing. Aren't they xaressing themselves a bit in-between with their hands? And do you really think Shinji would first go for Kaworu's nipples. It's possible of course but not very likely.
[Kaworu pulled him on to the bed, and removed both of their underpants. Kaworu's seven inch penis was something to be marvelled at, as Shinji gazed at it sneakily.]
See above. PLUS: nobody cares how long kaworu's penis actually is. If you want to say that it's impressiv, do so. This way it sounds.. bad.
[Kaworu then pulled Shinji on top of him, and flipped the other boy over.
He whispered, "This may hurt a bit," and slowly inserted his penis into Shinji's anus. Tears swelled Shinji's eyes slightly, which made his lover bend down and kiss him on the cheek.
"Tell me when to stop," he said.
"Keep going, I want to feel you inside of me."]
OMG!!! I wish for you that you'll NEVER EVER actually have anal sex! A penetration like this may cause in a very nasty and embarrassing visit at the nearest hospital, permernantly broken anus muscle with leaves as end-result wearing diapers for the rest of your life because you can't control the muscles there anymore.
The muscles maybe very strechable - but you do have to actually STRETCH them before you insert anything. Take a dildo and if you don't have one take the handle of a screw-driver or soemthing alike, taht has about the size of a penis and please don't take anything too thin. Now try to insert the thing without any preparation whatsoever. It'll hurt like hell (and you won't - AND SHOULDN'T!!! - continue).
To tell you the truth, at this point of the story I stopped reading.
On the whole the story was not good, you rushed it far too much. Try to create and atmosphere beforehand next time ad PLEASE take your time! |
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