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| "Final Hazard" Reviews/Comments [ 8 ] | Reviewed By: Masamune The Forgotten [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2003 22:48 CDT
Comment/Review:
Review for Ch.7:
Im slightly dissapointed with this chapter.
You relese two villains, Cell and Vegita, yet you completely skip the battle between them and Goku and Gohan!! How could you!? How does Goku die?! How did Sonic, and Joey, and all the rest die? I know they died by Cell and Vegita (I think) but exactly how? You never showed us?
Nice twist at the end though. With Ash being the "one".
All in all, it was a good fan fic, that can be made MUCH better. The potential within this fic is at such a high level.
My Overall Rating for this story: 7/10 | Reviewed By: Masamune The Forgotten [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2003 22:39 CDT
Comment/Review:
Review for Ch.6:
This was a very exciting chapter, but it could have been more exciting. The fight with the imposter Samus was going well, until you added this, "Michael did this, and after six missle balsts to its eye, the SA-X ceased to exist!" Once again, explode the scene. These six missile blasts could have been done MUCH better. Describe each attack, describe each dodge. You described Michael's emotions well, but how did he feel. Was he exhausted (sp?), ready for more, refreshed? Did the Core-X bleed with every shot? What color was the blood? What does it sound like?
I cant stress this enough... details!! | Reviewed By: Masamune The Forgotten [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2003 22:27 CDT
Comment/Review:
Review for Ch.5:
There was a tiny bit more description in this chapter. One main thing I've learned to dislike.
Dont do this! This isnt in script format. Dont mix script format with story format. You need to describe the explosion. Is it unique in any way? Are the flames blue? Is the smoke green? Does it smell good/bad? Details!!
One last thing.
"Michael charged up his Plasma beam combined with a Wave Beam shot at Bio-Ridley's head. The resulting explosion caused Bio-Ridley's head to blow up."
Explode the scene, as my teacher put it. Take these two sentences, and make them bigger. Add more details (theres that word again, make it dramatic. The two senteces are somewhat dull, and dont really make the reader picture this in his/her mind as something big. Work with this, turn this into a spectacular ending to a battle, not a mediocre ending. | Reviewed By: Masamune The Forgotten [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2003 22:20 CDT
Comment/Review:
Review for Ch.4:
Same thing as before. Need description. You gave SOME description of Bio Ridley, but I still have no idea what he looks like. Its still all dialogue. | Reviewed By: Masamune The Forgotten [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2003 22:14 CDT
Comment/Review:
Review for Ch.3:
Once again, nice chapter. And once again, no setting, no description. You told us that they were in a lab or something like that. But what does it look like? What does the new fusion up grade thing look like? We need details!! | Reviewed By: Masamune The Forgotten [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2003 22:10 CDT
Comment/Review:
Review for Ch.2:
This one was nicely done, except for this:
"'So, Ash, you thought you had defeated for good!?'"
Needs the word "me" between defeated and for.
I know your done with this fic, but for future help, I advise to flesh out your stories. Most of your story is pure dialogue. Sure, your fics are entertaining, but without description, its nothing.
Show the reader what the place looks like, what they see, what they smell, what they fell, everything. As far as I have read, they are on some sort of planet, but I have no idea what it looks like.
Your characters are ones from games, and most people already know what they look like, but its vital to give some description. I mean, some people who read this probably dont even know Samus is a woman.
Please dont take this as a lecture. Most people around here at MM.org dont give good reviews. All they say is "nice fic, cant wait for more." But to me, reviews are for contructive critizism (I dont think I spelled that right). The point is to give advice to make the writer better.
Other wise, nice fan fic. | Reviewed By: Masamune The Forgotten [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2003 22:02 CDT
Comment/Review:
Review for Ch.1:
Nice fic! I couldnt take my eyes off! Only two things that bugged me.
#1:"'Honestly, I don't know...I truly don't know...' said Sonic as his mind drifted back to Misty."
You messed up and put Sonic instead of Ash.
#2: I dont know if you've heard this from others, but the main character in Yugioh is not named Yugioh. His name is Yugi. His last name is Motou (or however you want to spell it). That one sorta of bugged me. | Reviewed By: Phantom_Renegade [MediaMiner Member] On: June 14, 2003 10:14 CDT
Rating(s):Style of Writing: 9 of 10
Spelling & Grammar: 8 of 10
Originality/Creativity: 8 of 10
Enjoyment Factor: 9 of 10
Overall Rating: 9 of 10 Comment/Review:
It's a great fanfic I'm gonna write more of my fanfic and I was gonna ask if You could give me some help?Font Color |
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